The Tragically Unhip

Hipsters love to dance. But when I say “dance,” I am not referring to the smooth, hip hop stylings of Tabitha and Napoleon from So You Think You Can Dance, nor am I making reference to the fromage that my gay jazz teacher at Alvin Ailey used to make me do. Rather, I am talking about Hipster Hop, which basically consists of a lot of jumping around and flinging the arms, kind of like a spastic bunny rabbit on coke. Hipsters like indie rock and ironic dance music. In the top ten list below, please find the songs that are guaranteed to get all the cool kids dancing at your otherwise lame party. The playlist may be downloaded here.

10. Daft Punk Is Playing At My House

Artist: LCD Soundsystem

Album: LCD Soundsystem

Yes, I missed their show on Randall’s Island last year. No, I don’t want to talk about it. Dance-punk impresario and musical jack-of-all-trades James Murphy pays homage to electronica masters Daft Punk by making them the object of his ultimate frat boy fantasy. We’ll just pretend that he didn’t sell the song’s rights to nearly every video game ever made and then everyone can go home happy.

9. Such Great Heights

Artist: The Postal Service

Album: Give Up

Lovesick Death Cab for Cutie singer Ben Gibbard lends his boyish vocals to Jimmy Tamborello’s dance beats, while Rilo Kiley’s Jenny Lewis supplies the backing vocals. As such, this song a collaboration made in nerd heaven, and as a result, all the indie kids love it.

8. Young Folks

Artist: Peter, Bjorn and John

Album: Writer’s Block

If this song hasn’t already been used for an iPod commercial, well, it really should be. [Update: The song has since been used in this commercial for the new XBox 360 Lips game.] A perfect pop song, “Young Folks” features melodic whistling and boy/girl narrative vocals. Listen closely for the bongos in the chorus that can make even the most drum circle-ing hippie wish s/he was a hipster instead.

7. Slow Hands

Artist: Interpol

Album: Antics

New York indie darlings Interpol’s lead singer, Paul Banks, is famous for his use of big words (like “myriad”!), for e-nun-ci-a-ting ev’ry syl-la-ble, and for banging supermodel Helena Christensen. This song will hook you from the the opening guitar riff and have you bouncing by the time the chorus rages after a climactic build-up.

6.  Tie: Put That Pussy On Me (Diplo Tonite Remix)/Fuck the Pain Away

Artist: Spank Rock/Peaches

Album: YoYoYoYoYo/The Teaches of Peaches

As you can surmise from their titles, both of these electro-rap songs have to do with lewd, vulgar sex. You see, every now and then, uptight white people need to toss aside their notions of propriety for some good, old-fashioned, alcohol-fueled bump n’ grind. Gentlemen, if you would like to get the ladies to start grinding their crotch against your thigh, then request this Spank Rock song. (And if the DJ does not possess the record, it’s time to start frequenting another bar.) As for Peaches, she has been known to inspire even the saintliest of Catholic girls to attempt a pole dance once she’s got at least got three courage drinks in her. So keep your camera nearby, ’cause it’s bound to get raunchy.

5.  Tie: Paper Planes/Creator

Artist: M.I.A./Santogold

Album: Kala/Santogold

Controversy leads to high sales figures, and M.I.A.’s oft-banned “Paper Planes” is no exception. You know—that song from the Pineapple Express that goes, “All I wanna do is (four gunshots) and (gun cocking, cash register ringing) and take your money”? Yeah, that one. Santogold ties here because unfortunately she is not so unlike M.I.A. that she deserves her own entry. But to her credit, “Creator” is a catchy electro-mess with a pulsating drumbeat that will make you want to bob your head and purse your lips like Hova.

4. No Cars Go

Artist: Arcade Fire

Album: Neon Bible

Just like how we forgive Régine for often being pitchy and unable to hit the high notes, we forgive the Arcade Fire for recycling this song from their before-they-were-famous demo because, frankly, it was too good to go unheard by the masses.  You will actually want to sing along to the accordion melody, and I can guarantee that everyone in the joint will be pumping their fists and shouting “Hey!” along with the band.

3. Age of Consent

Artist: New Order

Album: Power, Corruption & Lies

Most indie kids were not even born when this song was originally released (1983), but “Age of Consent” is as awesome, relevant, and timeless as ever, in that it doesn’t sound “too 80’s” (or like any other defining musical era, for that matter).  Suggested accompanying dance move: The Hunched-Over New Wave Quasi-Skank. (Don’t worry—you’ll recognize it when you see it.)

2.  Over and Over Again (Lost and Found)

Artist: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

Album: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

Brooklynites Clap Your Hands Say Yeah get a million points for making me want to put this song on repeat and bust moves in front of my mirror for half an hour.  Nasal vocals, a steady drum beat, and happy guitar-picking make this song so danceable that you won’t even even need that gym membership once you’ve finished your nightly boogie to this track.

1. I Feel It All

Artist: Feist

Album: The Reminder

Feist gets first place for best hipster dance song for two very obvious reasons. The first is that almost all of her music videos feature her dancing awkwardly to a cute choreography in a very clever setting. The other is that she is the coolest and most ironic of us all by being cool and ironic enough to appear on none other than Sesame Street, encouraging children to count to four by singing a reworked version of—you guessed it—”1, 2, 3, 4.” Loves it so much, I don’t even know what to do with myself.

Honourable Mention: Still Not a Player

Artist: Big Pun feat. Joe

Album: Capital Punishment

You’re probably thinking, “What? That’s not a hipster song!” Actually, it is. If I had a dollar for every time some Lower East Side dive closed the night with this track, I’d have, well, about five bucks. By four in the morning in New York City, all the white girls in the place are singing: “¡boricua, morena!” and shaking their booty as if they were born and raised on E. 115th Street.  The boys are making their final selection of whom they’re taking home with them, and that, dear readers, is when we call it a night.