If you’ve ever seen me in person, or if you’ve been reading this blog religiously enough, you would have learned by now that I am flat-chested. I can barely fill an A-cup, and the only kind of cleavage you’ll ever see on me is when I bend over and my butt crack peeks out over the top of my low-rise Sevens. I am totally fine with my small breast size, as there is nothing I can really do about it, and besides, there are much bigger things to be worrying about in the world today. For me, wearing a bra serves no other purpose than to inflame the already irritated skin on my back, so I decided last week that if the bra was the cause of my problem, then why not eliminate the bra? I didn’t think anyone would miss it, least of all me.
My high school gym teacher in Grade 7, a pervy old French guy who told me I had a big nose, once explained to the budding, pubescent girls in our class that the way to determine if we should be wearing a bra is to go home and do the Pencil Test. The test is simple: Remove shirt and bra, lift up breast, place pencil horizontally under breast, and let go of breast. If the pencil stays put under your boob, you’ve got big enough gals to require support. If the pencil falls to the floor, however, then you are too small (or “perky”, if it makes you feel better) to necessitate a bra. I went home after school that day and performed the test in my bedroom, only to have the pencil fall to the floor and bounce around a few times on its eraser. Disbelievingly and stubbornly I tried again, this time testing both breasts and several different writing instruments. But the results were always the same: pencil/pen/marker/highlighter plummets to the ground; I sob.
Some fifteen years later, a male friend of mine educated me on a new boob test: the Martini Glass Test. He explained that some men consider the perfect breast size as being not too big and not too small, as determined by whether or not the breast can fit comfortably into a martini glass. I laughed at first—wondering what ridiculous frat boy came up with this preposterous, insecurity-causing method of measurement—but as the night progressed, I couldn’t shake the insuppressible urge and curiosity to see how I measured up. Gratefully, I had a minibar in my apartment back then, so a martini glass was easy enough to find when I got home that night. A little tipsy, I took off my shirt, inserted a bare breast into the martini glass, and sighed. There was no filling the martini glass. I conceded defeat and accepted my small-boobied fate.
It has now been a week since I last donned a brassiere. By renouncing the societal pressure to keep my girls nicely cupped in overpriced bras from La Senza and Victoria’s Secret, forming aesthetically pleasing, immobile mounds of undetected nipple under my shirt, I am feeling like less of a consumer and more of a naturalist—as though I’m keepin’ it real. There will be no bra burning by this aspiring feminist, but I can tell you that it will take a lot of arm twisting to get me to put one back on.
Buh-bye bra. (Photo courtesy of dpchallenge.com)
Tragically Unhip Staff
Genevieve D. Markle
Marianne Perron
Kimberly Senf
Laurin McNiff
David Fiore
Celeste Parr
Poppa John
Tess Hart
Brooke D.
Elli S.
Meagan Burbidge
Mr. Flint
George Blottttt
Little Evie
Gen, welcome to my club….I have been bra-free for nearly 10 years now. And I keep asking myself why I didn’t go ‘commando’ earlier. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who is the 7th grade gym teacher??? I remember the pencil test too, and failed miserably at the time. Unfortunately I caught up and could hold a 24 pack of those suckers in there now! Trust me, the large breasted folk have their own set of issues! Choosing to not wear a bra would lead me into the world of social outcasts, if not jail!
bras are overrated, i stopped wearing them in high school, which in the suburbs of vancouver was absolutely unheard of, because all the cool girls had their cleavage just below their chins.
oh i can’t do that. i’ve tried but mine always seem to pop out, they are, ahem, a small c (not too big, not too small). they are actually one part of my body i adore. my mom on the other hand would consistenly feel the need to remove her bra in public places because she hated it so much. she couldnt go out without one (too large) but she had a big hate for bras.
I believe the gym teacher she is referring to is “Big Field”…
In any event, I think you count your lucky stars. As Amanda said, big-breasted people have their issues as well. Quite a few of them I know would gladly trade their giant milkers or some dry martinis just so they could get away with wearing a strapless dress.
This presents a whole different side of the glass half empty/full argument. I think I’ll take the side of full, just to boost my ego a little bit.
This post makes me wish the lohanfreestyle.com or joliehomewrecker.com sites were still up.
oh wait!!! google is my saviour…
http://www.getitright-records.com/swf/bigasst.swf
http://www.getitright-records.com/swf/homewrecker.swf
Gen, personally braless is much sexier! You go girl! I am braless 50% of the time…seeing as though my job requires my breasts to not be the focus of attention. If I could do it all the time…I WOULD!
I thought the ‘pencil test’ was to shame older women who still go bra-less into wearing bras (as in, if you’re saggy enough to keep a pencil there, you need a bra).
The funny thing about padded or ’shaped’ bras is that, in a Canadian winter, they still allow for full-on nipple display. It’s just that cold.
Hmm the real question is what ounce size Martini glass are we talking about? The six ounce size charge too much that you get in trendy places or the ten ounce size that you get from old school bars!
Having recently met you at Leon’s party I can tell you that your appeal was not centered on your chest. I found the most appealing parts north of that!
Okay, okay maybe south of that when you walked away!
Thought I’d post a great link to a sight about the link between bra wearing and cancer. I am a AA but for years have been wearing uncomfortable EXPENSIVE bras and cutlets that both ride up over my “chest”. Mom mom has breast cancer and I came across this link so all my bras are going in the garbage. Not sure how this is going to go over at the bank!
Forgot the link :)
http://www.all-natural.com/bras.html
Meh
I have a problem with the “test” in another way. I am pretty sure it is not a good thing that I can hold an empty can of cola under there.
sighs