The Tragically Unhip

I recently told myself that if I could say one thing to any truly indecent friend or lover it would be this: “On the Friend Report Card, you have failed every subject,” and then walk away. Unfortunately, while emitting a statement like this would probably make me feel better at the moment, I’m not sure the feeling would last and I suspect the other person would likely not understand—or care.

Thus making it an exercise in futility. Almost, anyway. When I think about the people in my life, I have a great deal of mixed feelings. Some evoke a little “Where are they now?”, while others produce the kind of heavy-hearted sadness that not even books, movies, or music can ameliorate; in fact, some might even induce more grief production. And then there is anger. What makes people do the things they do? Are they propelled by envy, lust, greed, or any of the seven deadly sins—and is that why they’re called as such? I consider that an easy—albeit vague and roomy—explanation, and too black and white for my taste.

I spent some time with an ex recently, which was both a good and not-so-good thing. History has shown that my feelings always tend to jumble, cluster, and tangle whenever I’m around her, and what once was a coherent, reliable, thought- and logic-producing machine (my brain) turns into a scattered, fearful playground of confusion. And awkward is spelled with every letter capitalized, by proxy. It used to be simple (somewhere there’s a flow chart): girl from past shows up in my life, I word-vomit my feelings of unresolved affection and lust, girl sleeps with girl, both begin to have global scale panic attacks at the thought of regurgitating a relationship for the 9328984968496th time. Simple, predictable, cyclical. I used to jokingly alter the Serenity Prayer when particularly frustrated by relationship evolution: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the women I cannot have and the wisdom to know the difference.”

So basically, how can you tell if you really want someone back in your life, or if it’s just a Pavlovian reaction, such as salivation at the sound of a bell? Or, perhaps in my case, the sound of a lesbian mistake about to be made?

I believe that I used to be far more romantic than I am these days. My old girlfriend once told me that the pupil of one’s eye dilated when in view of something attractive. Of course, I thought that made perfect sense (while highly debatable) and it was sweet. The girl I dated after her refuted my sensitive and romanticized notion by expressing that it was simply the scientific reaction to light and dark. That ultimately deflated my grandiose ideology.

Living in New York for several years now, I’ve had a variety of relationship experiences. Some wistful, some very fun, and others regrettable. But in the end, I remain thankful for the dodged bullets and the experiences I’ve had. My time in this city is ultimately coming to a close, as I head toward greener, less crazy, more stability-yielding pastures. I also aim finally figure out just what the difference is between genuinely wishing to be with someone from your past versus being misguided by hormonal shifts and assumed familiarity. With my continued disappointment in the actions of others over the last few years, I vote the latter. Otherwise, I am founding a school that deals specifically in refining the ability to resist ex-girlfriend temptation and to locate and isolate the source.

Then cauterize the shit out of it.