The Tragically Unhip

A few months back I Facebook-asked the coolest people I know for their best hipster pick-up lines. They were to be collected and printed in a once-promising magazine, and they were… only the article managed to land in a sea of silicone boobs and Simple Plan quotes. I can pretty much guarantee that not a single Tragically Unhip reader will ever lay eyes on the issue, except perhaps as a grotesque joke.

So here they are – plus a few that were too good to print – in all their apathetic glory. Feel free to add your own in the comments section!

• Wanna go on a post-date?
• Is that a pair of vintage Ray Bans in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
• Ever heard of Williamsburg? I named it.
• I’d like to have you on vinyl.
• What’s your gear ratio?
• Hi. I play harmonica in Arcade Fire. Wanna fuck?
• Did you know that PBR actually stands for ‘Pretty Big Rod’?
• Lemme add my app to your dashboard. If you know what I mean.
• You would totally make it into Vice’s page of Do’s.
• Seriously baby, I’ll take you out as soon as this check clears from my parents.
• Are those Nudie Limited Edition Masa Japan jeans from outer space? Because your ass is out of this world.
• Want to start a wolf-, fox- or crystal-related band together?
• You’ve got bike courier eyes.
• I like you so much, you make me want to update my Facebook status to In a Relationship.
• Wanna meet my Cobrasnake?
• I want to have a Casual Encounter with you. Don’t make me have to write a Missed Connection.
• I only look asexual.
• Boy: Hey, do you have any pretentious avant-garde photographer in you?  Girl: Er, no.  Boy: Want some?
• Can you program my iPhone’s GPS with your bed’s location?
• Yeah, I was kind of a big deal at last year’s Expozine…
• Hey, haven’t we had sex in the bathroom at Green Room before?
• You look familiar; didn’t I see you writhing around on the filthy floor of a L.E.S. dive bar on Last Night’s Party?
• I’d like to see your ‘deep v’ — and I’m not talking about your American Apparel tee.
• Want to come over and meet my cats, Harmony and Korine?
• Looking at you, I’d swear I had ‘sexy lenses’ in my glasses… but I remembered these glasses don’t have lenses, they’re just for show.
• Hey good to see you! Let’s go for breakfast at some overpriced breakfast joint that will refuse to put butter on my toast and most likely fuck up the bacon! It’s 2pm and breakfast time has just started! Uh… I’ll just circle around this parking lot while you change…. really? You like that? Ok…. I’ll just circle around while you put on cooler shoes, like mine. [Waiting outside] Maybe I’ll listen to Illo’s new song…

• … did I mention I’ve got coke?

(Thanks to Nat Hutchens, Cindy Lou, Bobby Steez, Ms. Dawe, Mr. Lam and Mr. Curry and anyone else who contributed. Illustration c/o David Shaw)