The Tragically Unhip

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing you this particular letter in response to your particular job posting because the futile caliber of my previous cover letters has proved itself to be insuperable and has thusly resulted in the following paragraphs.

I have spent over a year applying to literally thousands of employment opportunities (that never initially articulate the necessity for one to work without their clothing), with the information (concomitant with a positive, outgoing and homogeneous comportment) as follows:

i) I attended courses and was awarded a Bachelor’s Degree from the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor; an institution considered, by some, to be as laudable as various Ivy League institutions, yet about as meritorious as a PhD from the Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in conjunction with my current circumstances.

ii) With over ten years in the workforce, I have the ability to speak clearly and politely to customers and clients, answer telephones and cashier with kindness and enthusiasm, multitask, and alphebetize.

iii) In regards to my technological capabilities, I have the capacity to read, write, type, answer more than one telephone line, use Microsoft Office applications (including Word, Excel, Outlook, Entourage, PowerPoint, Access, and Solitaire), and Adobe Creative Suite (including Photoshop, Illustrator, Premiere, FinalCut Pro, InDesign and GoLive), make a copy, fax a document and file.

iv) I can also take notes, schedule a flight with one airline and arrange a connecting flight with a completely different airline to whichever destination one is so inclined to arrive at, schedule multiple meetings and various appointments in the same day or specified time frame, order lunches, order dinners, make reservations, pick up or send out items requiring laundering, pick up caffeinated or acai-infused beverages, withstand the not-so-sunny disposition of others, refrain from the use of Facebook in the span of a traditional or nontraditional workday, manage a bank account, set up a new bank account, place phone calls to individuals one may desire to speak with and subsequently transfer the line over to an entirely different telephone, decipher semi-legible handwriting, play a mediocre rendition of Chopin’s Prelude in Eb minor on the piano, recite countless lines from a collection of Audrey Hepburn films, and prepare a lovely bed of field greens in sauce vinaigrette with haricots vert and goat cheese timbales.

This is most likely not the most opportune time to apologize for the substance of this letter. However, the prefatory phrase “In this economy…” has grown simply ineffectual in terms of remedial justifications. At the very least, if you have happened to reach this point of such detrital, ill-advised rancor, I have accomplished a brief, yet unexpected juxtaposition to the four hundred or more letters that undoubtedly mirror what I should have sent you, as I vacuously relish in the gratification of having for one day earned your disregard in contrast to merely obtaining it.

Thank you so much for any time you may have spent on this and I will be certain to prepare any fast foods or coffees with the best of care should we ever meet in the future.

Warm Regards and Best Wishes in your search for a truly applicable applicant,
Meagan Burbidge