The Tragically Unhip

Indie twosome Slow Club came to town the other week. I didn’t attend the show (I was out of the country and also, I hate music), but had I gone I’m not sure I could have restrained myself from yelling: ‘Play the Ritz Crackers song! Do it! Crackers! Yeah everyone, par-ty down!’

It’s not what you think. I’m not about to ream out some hard-working musicians trying to get noticed and pay their rent, and honestly, I’m just as likely as the next idiot to Google ‘need know song mac ad.’ It’s just that I’ve noticed a certain kind of music making its way into ads for everyday products. And a certain type of pale, thin, messy-haired person. And a certain kind of rough-edged font that tries not to smack of effort. And a certain type of aftereffect that bleaches everything out to the point where it looks like the sky’s painted pastel, and those skinny, beat-up jeans are practically acid washed.

Take this ad for Miracle Whip. Its approach seems eerily close to The Onion’s mock advertisement for extreeeme saltines, now with skinny rebellious spokespeople.

Say whaaat? In yo’ face, mayonnaise! I think we can safely say that that was the most embarrassing blip of all those people’s careers – the models, the editor, the marketing team, the voice guy, and of course the lady at the end who seems to equate her choice of condiment with some sort of new civil rights movement.

But even that’s just a tad too edgy to be considered a hipster commercial. Hipster commercials are about hanging with your friends and wearing vintage ‘pieces’ paired with American Apparel basics. About acting like kids (because hey, why not?) while a lilting soundtrack serenades you over to the product, about which you comment, ‘Oh that old thing? Yeah, pretty good. I’m not going to turn this into a bro-style beer commercial or anything and start humping legs, but yeah, I’ll buy it. Whatever. At least until everyone else starts buying it.’

Here’s a car commercial that fits the bill. Could that couple be any prettier or more in love? They are so pretty and so in love I want to fling myself over their balcony out of shame. They’re probably going to some cool Scandanavian festival I’ve never even heard of.

This Jetta one is pretty good, too, if only because you can picture the pitch meeting so clearly: ‘It’s about a young couple exploring the neighbourhood they’re gentrifying from the safety of their vehicle (not that there’s anything wrong with it).’

Here’s an ad for gum that combines a pretty person who works from home as a graphic designer with adorable Asian-style animation (uh… maybe a bit too Asian. Pause it at 0:12 and let me know) – the kind of cutesy art this Demetri Martin-looking dude probably puts in mismatched frames and hangs alongside a real taxidermied squirrel.

And the coup de grace: lil’ hipsters. Here’s the aforementioned Ritz Crackers* commercial, which isn’t terribly obnoxious but does present me with a conundrum – the song is actually quite nice, but now it’s tainted by cracker crumbs. Then again, would I have ever even heard it had it not been used by Ritz? (Remember, I hate music.) Also, how am I supposed to live my life when these two eight-year-olds are clearly cooler than me?

Truly bittersweet. After all, they’re co-opting whimsy and whatever the real inspiration was behind all those songs.

On the other hand… Hey there, hipster friends who make non-threatening music and/or work in marketing – Good for you! What with your jobs and your clients and stuff. There’s nothing like staying one step ahead of the game and turning a disadvantage, e.g. being inexperienced or the youngest person in the office, into a forte, e.g. knowing what the kids think is ‘cool.’ No, not that. Or that. You can’t define it… you just know.

* On a side note, I wonder what’s happened to Ritz’s sales. Those things have got to be swimming in trans fats, right?