The Tragically Unhip

As I wrote last week in this post, I wasn’t up to a whole heck of a lot back in November, 2007. To prove my point, here’s a snippet from an MSN conversation from around that time:

George says:
I’m gonna make my own Paris Hilton video.
_____ says:
orly?
George says:
Yeah, me eating Triscuits and playing World of Warcraft, shot in night vision mode.

But things were starting to look up: I had a Russian stalker who had sent me two messages and clearly wanted to get her hands all over me my wallet. What can I say? I’m a sucker for Slavs. Channeling my inner player, I decided to take it slow and see how the relationship progressed before sending her the money to fly to Alberta.

By the way, did you notice how in her first email she mentioned that both her parents were dead? Who tells you that when you first talk to them, within the first paragraph? Not only that, but she told me how long ago they died. Like I care! Look, as long as they aren’t around to mooch off of my wealthy estate, affording me more time and money to dote on my lovely dancing queen, I will be pleased as punch.

My plan was to use the Babel Fish translation website when composing my messages to Natalya: I would write something grammatically correct in English, then translate it into a few other languages before reverting back to English, just to add an air of mystery to the responses I composed to my dearest of dears. Here was my first (and last) go at it:

“Dear Natalya, I am so glad to hear back from you. I know what you are saying about being alone, I live alone too. A stranger in a strange town.”

Translated from:
English -> Dutch
Dutch -> French
French -> Italian
Italian -> English

“Better Natalya, is therefore happy for meaning to speak it about you. Me know that that only says to you on he is only also, screw me. One foreign in one disowned city.”

Not too shabby! I especially liked the “disowned city” part. Still, I felt that not sending my own words to Natalya would be dishonest, plus I was pretty sure that I could write in an even more mysterious insane voice than the translation game was allowing for. So after a bit more research, I decided to send my reply:

Very honoured Natalya so nicely to hear from your message.
Here are some details regarding myself. I am 30 years old, guess what? my birthday am the same as yours! ! On 17 October!!, how to amazing that one is! ! ! It is certainly a beautiful day! I was married in the past, but my wife, who died in a train accident, by traveling by the United States. It occured 8 years ago now, and I have placed it behind me. My cat, is baptized Florette, by the name of her. It was a difficult time, but the inheritance permitted me to travel in the world and to learn many new things. I have to drive pleasure ski, and play badminton, my preferred card game is Cribbage, you me will often find to play Cribbage at the old people house where I volunteer on weekends. I think you look very pretty in your dancing dress, do you like to do foxtrot or the manhattan? I learned many of these old dance from a class I took in Carcassone, France, years ago. I would love to hear about your dancing and see more pictures. I am more of a salt tooth than a sweet tooth, I enjoy eating fine meats and brandies. Where did you get such a lovely name as Natalya? My wine cellar is huge. I hope you are well, I must tend to my bonzai, your friend, Magnus.

Yes, I chose not to use my real name. Magnus seemed to fit the worldly, eccentric persona I was creating for myself in this internet dalliance, so I went with it. And, not surprisingly, so did Natalya:

Hi Magnus! I am pleased to receive your message. I regret concerning death of your wife, I know as it happens hardly when very close person perishes! Our birthdays in one day! It is surprising! It is possible to celebrate together:-)
Magnus ,I wait for your e-mails impatiently, it means that I’m curious about your life and really very intetrested in our relations. I think, that you have read my profile and could have seen there, that it is very important to me to get acquainted with a good person for serious relations. For this reason I will try to tell you a little about my character. I don’t know what to start with, ok,I think, that I am a very romantic person. I like to communicate with other people, I have a sence of humourIt is very important nowdays in our cruel world. I appreciate in people such qualities as fidelity,kindness and honesty of course . I believe in love, and I think it very valuable thing which needs to be protected.I am not very jealous person. I adore,to say people compliments and I’m always ready to listen to them from other people. For me it is necessary, to keep everything in order. I also like to cook various tasty things. It is worth while mentioning that I appritiate good relations between man and woman. I think that women are more romantic and they dream to find person to have with him serious relations. But very often their dreams are broken, because idealise everything. And many man brake women’s heart taking the joy of life forever. As for me, I had a bad experience in my life with a man. hen we sepsrated I lost the intention to live. Now I wish to find a person to whom I can share my happiness and problems.Now it’s only a dream, but I want it to become true very much. I think, that for women the main thing is to live a family life not but not to build a career . Tell me please, what is a woman of your dream? Sorry tha I bother you by my question, but I’m very curious about you. I impatiently wait for your next e-mail. Sincerely yours Natalya.

Wow, she really cared! What a sweetheart. I couldn’t resist: (You should note that I responded within one hour of receiving her message)

Dear Natalya, I am a busy man, between my 2 jobs and my pets my life is zoo. So I’m terribly sorry it has taken me so absolutely long to reply. Still I dream of you at night, in your lovely aquatic marine dancing uniform and overwhelming make up, on face. I am no make out artist, or pick up romeo, I prefer to cook a meal in the oven than in the microwave. I prefer candied apples to pop-corn, movies on a big screen, or the back seat of my car. My favorite colour is beige, I eat fish for breakfast and I live in a house far too big for one person. I wish to make some babies on an island of cotton candy and have each one to be bigger than the last. My favorite song is “Doncha” by the pussy cat dolls, second favorite is the Rite of Spring by Stravinsky. Tell me about you, are you also enjoying a bath of jello? I yearn for your foreign touch, the smell of your hair, do you groom yourself? I have a collection of Matryoshka dolls, and wish to peel back your layers like the onion where we met, online. I see your profile is gone… are they trying to keep us apart? I am shocked and pained to think of days without our conversation. My voice is gone, since my operation, and I sound horrid, so we must speak in words. My darling, I await your next lovingly crafted reply. Now I must go and return some bottles to the recycling plant, of my heart. What do you think of the strong canadian dollar? It inspires me, I wish to purchase items from the internet and sell them in my store at a slight mark-up. I only have work in my life, and now, maybe you, dear Natalya. Send me pictures of yourself, for I need to put a face to your name and print them on my custom lithographic machinery. ’til next we speak, yours truly, Magnie.

I really thought this last email had gone too far, no way she would reply, s/he would clearly realise I was ” ‘aving a laugh”. But NO! I had woven a spell and she was bound by it, my little Russian minx…

Hi Magnus. I am glad to receive again your message, every day we begin to learn each other better and it is very interesting for me. I love your letters and every time wait for them. They help me to forget about cruel world, they like a sun ray in the dark realm.
Magnie, I send you other pictures of me. I hope, you will like it. Tell to me more about youself and aboyt your family. Do you have many relatives or not? How often do you gather together ?I’m the only child. As for my private life I can’t say that I’m happy. My last relation with man was the last year. I left him. Now I think we did not love each other and had various interests. Among all the man who I know I cannot chose anybody for serious relations. Nowdays there are less and less decent man, so it’s rather difficult to find one.You see I had to address to i-net. This is my last hope to find a fair man with whom I can keep up the time. Probably here I can find the person who will love, appreciate and understand me. It is not important for me his financial situation and work. I’m interested in a man who is older than me, who has a great life and love experience, who knows how to appreciate women. In my turn I will be ready to give all my love, tender and care to such a person. I think that the main advantage of the woman is to be fidel and have skill to make family happy, without quarrels and conflicts. Ok, my letter comes to its end and I have to go. Mine favourite Magnus, write me your ideas of life. I wait for your messages. Your Natalya.
PS.I do not think that canadian dollar strong, but I think that the American dollar – weak!

PPS.By the way that you want to buy on the Internet? And how many nested dolls you have?

Is this even the same girl?

The sight of cleavage, even of a shady nature, was enough to propel Magnus into the lustful madness of young love:

Dearest Natsha, My heart skips a beat when I see your goldenized face in the sunlight, you are in the darkness? Let my shine a flamethrower on your forehead, burning away the tears with the heat of passionate exchanges. I am reminded of my favorite song: “Midnight at the Oasis” by Maria Muldaur… when she says “Let’s slip off to a sand dune real soon and kick up a little dust… I’ll be your belly dancer, prancer, and you can be my sheik”. Yes my harem is a little small, but there is only room for one, which by process of elimination would be you, sweet Natalya, you make my toothache, my belly twist and turn into a noose. When you say you are mine I picture baby diapers and ziplock bags, maybe some lovemaking under a starry ceiling with glow in the dark star stickers on it and the romantic sound of the nearby quarry. I want to touch you on the inside.
I am sorry, I have offended you perhaps? I cannot help my passions, for you seem quietly beautiful, I am afraid that I suffer what Shopenhauer envisioned as the ‘will to life’, I wanna make the babies soon, see my future son and daughter become productive labourers for society. I am a simple man, with complex carbon-based atomic structure. I am like any man in that way, but I am different because I have you as a friend Natalya. I want to know more about you, what did you study? What city do you live in? What is your favorite fruit and/or vegetable?
Oh Natalya, it is too painful to think of you, who only shows me such small glimpses in photographs. Would you send me pictures of you undressed, standing in that sunlight? I would picture you dressed in the elaborate fashion of the 1890′s, and would bedazzle you with pearl necklaces, and ornate silk scarves. I would wrap you in my arms and would be able to join hands and sing in the words of that old Negro spiritual, “Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, we are free at last.”
But no, the thought of your breasts rising and falling with your breath as you stare into the darkness, the imperceptible hairs on your skin, risen by the shivers, the way your hands have grown old by your pained experience… I am truly sorry you have been hurt, I hope you are like me now, one who would never hurt again… Dear Natalya, I grow close to weeping, I must retire to my antechamber, bestill your soft heart. Magnus.

Next week: E-Dating a Scam Artist, Part 3.