The Tragically Unhip

a blog with three fingers on the pulse of uncoolness.

Relationship Taxidermy May 6, 2009

Filed under: Culture & Society, Dating, Musings — Laurin McNiff @ 1:44 pm

I recently told myself that if I could say one thing to any truly indecent friend or lover it would be this: “On the Friend Report Card, you have failed every subject,” and then walk away. Unfortunately, while emitting a statement like this would probably make me feel better at the moment, I’m not sure the feeling would last and I suspect the other person would likely not understand—or care.

 

Thus making it an exercise in futility. Almost, anyway. When I think about the people in my life, I have a great deal of mixed feelings. Some evoke a little “Where are they now?”, while others produce the kind of heavy-hearted sadness that not even books, movies, or music can ameliorate; in fact, some might even induce more grief production. And then there is anger. What makes people do the things they do? Are they propelled by envy, lust, greed, or any of the seven deadly sins—and is that why they’re called as such? I consider that an easy—albeit vague and roomy—explanation, and too black and white for my taste.

 

I spent some time with an ex recently, which was both a good and not-so-good thing. History has shown that my feelings always tend to jumble, cluster, and tangle whenever I’m around her, and what once was a coherent, reliable, thought- and logic-producing machine (my brain) turns into a scattered, fearful playground of confusion. And awkward is spelled with every letter capitalized, by proxy. It used to be simple (somewhere there’s a flow chart): girl from past shows up in my life, I word-vomit my feelings of unresolved affection and lust, girl sleeps with girl, both begin to have global scale panic attacks at the thought of regurgitating a relationship for the 9328984968496th time. Simple, predictable, cyclical. I used to jokingly alter the Serenity Prayer when particularly frustrated by relationship evolution: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the women I cannot have and the wisdom to know the difference.”

 

So basically, how can you tell if you really want someone back in your life, or if it’s just a Pavlovian reaction, such as salivation at the sound of a bell? Or, perhaps in my case, the sound of a lesbian mistake about to be made?

 

I believe that I used to be far more romantic than I am these days. My old girlfriend once told me that the pupil of one’s eye dilated when in view of something attractive. Of course, I thought that made perfect sense (while highly debatable) and it was sweet. The girl I dated after her refuted my sensitive and romanticized notion by expressing that it was simply the scientific reaction to light and dark. That ultimately deflated my grandiose ideology.

 

Living in New York for several years now, I’ve had a variety of relationship experiences. Some wistful, some very fun, and others regrettable. But in the end, I remain thankful for the dodged bullets and the experiences I’ve had. My time in this city is ultimately coming to a close, as I head toward greener, less crazy, more stability-yielding pastures. I also aim finally figure out just what the difference is between genuinely wishing to be with someone from your past versus being misguided by hormonal shifts and assumed familiarity. With my continued disappointment in the actions of others over the last few years, I vote the latter. Otherwise, I am founding a school that deals specifically in refining the ability to resist ex-girlfriend temptation and to locate and isolate the source.

 

Then cauterize the shit out of it.

 

A Loser at Relationships? April 9, 2009

Filed under: Dating, Musings, Technology — Genevieve D. Markle @ 1:29 pm

loser-at-relationships

 

Forgive me for this completely self-obsessed post, but research has proven that neurotic women are most likely to blog, often about their personal experiences, and I think this entry will help confirm the findings of that study. The above image is a screen shot from the Search Engine Terms section of WordPress’s Blog Stats dashboard. It tells blog administrators what phrases people Googled in order to be directed to The Tragically Unhip. (We actually wrote a funny article about this once.) On April 5, 2009, a very unusual thing happened: someone performed a search using the phrases “genevieve markle relationships” and “genevieve markle loser”. Twice each. Whoa.

 

Was someone Googling my name in the hopes of reading, god forbid, my relationship advice? Do they not know that I have never written anything that can even remotely be considered relationship advice because I am the epic fail of relationships? Always the dumper, never the dumpee, I’ve systematically bailed from every single partnership I’ve ever been in. When the going gets tough and the panic attacks start setting in, Gen gets going. Who on earth would want to read relationship advice from me? Unless, of course, someone Googled “genevieve markle relationships” in the hopes of finding some sort of online list of all the boys I’ve gone out with. Sorry to disappoint, but I don’t date and tell. And if ever one day someone else decides to compile such a list, do let me know; I’m like the poor man’s Natalie Portman.

 

I feel much more comfortable knowing that someone out there is Googling “genevieve markle loser”. Yes, that seems more accurate.

 

Sometimes Your Words Just Hypnotize Me March 30, 2009

Filed under: Body, Books & Mags, Food, Health, Money, Musings — Genevieve D. Markle @ 6:48 pm

I have a pack-a-day habit. No, not cigarettes—gum. A pack of spearmint Stride a day, to be precise. If my mouth isn’t being used for talking or eating, you can bet it’s compulsively chewing gum. And when I run out of gum, I start chewing on the inside of my lower lip. I think I have a problem.

 

Halfway through Walter Kirn’s Thumbsucker, a lightbulb went off in my head. “Holy shit,” I thought, “I’m an oral obsessive!” A quick trip to Wikipedia ”confirmed“ my self-diagnosis, while simultaneously creeping me out with all that Freudian psychosexual stuff. But the more I think about it, the more I think I’m on to something here and that this isn’t just a kind of psychoanalytical hypochondria. The proof is in the pudding: I sucked my thumb until I was 11; I smoked cigarettes from 13 to 20; and I became a bona fide glutton at age 21, stuffing my face with food long past the point of fullness and being completely unable to say no. Do I dare add addictive personality to the mix?

 

The reason this is becoming a concern of mine all of a sudden is because I don’t know how much longer I can maintain my girlish figure if I keep this up. All of my oral fixations to date have had some sort of negative side effect: sucking my thumb for eleven years caused me to have buck teeth, which resulted in my parents hemorrhaging money to pay for my orthodontic work, while smoking for seven years was just plain gross and bad for my health. So now that being a face-stuffing pig is threatening to come between me and my beloved collection of overpriced jeans—which are beginning to look a little too tight these days—what am I left to do? I obviously have no self-control and can’t psych myself into portion control, so how to cure my overeating? Do I replace one oral addiction with another, like pill popping, beer guzzling, or sucking on lollipops? Does that mean I’m off to a good start with this gum chewing business?

 

But then it came: the sign that was like a beacon of hope in my inbox. Two days ago I received an email from the lady who hypnotized me two years ago. I must still be on her mailing list, long after I had dismissed our $300+ session as a frivolous folly that failed miserably at curing me of my chronic anxiety. It turns out you have to have regular hypnotherapy, and not just one hypnosis session, in order to get over actual issues. Whoops. But somehow I think that needing to keep my mouth busy at all times, for whatever psychological reason or traumatic childhood experience, would be a little bit easier to remedy than my mean reds. And besides, hypnosis is what cured the Thumbsucker!

 

So should I give hypnosis another go? Not that I have the cash for another visit to the Tribeca Hypnosis Institute, but now that I think about it, maybe that’s the solution to my problem: When you have no money, you can’t buy food (or cigarettes, or beer, or uppers, for that matter), just gum and lollipops. The solution to my problem may very well be in maintaining my starving artist status. Thus, it is in the name of my skinny jeans that I implore you not to hire me or take me out to dinner until I learn a little self-restraint.

 

Don't worry, Shakira. You're not the only one.

Don't worry, Shakira. You're not the only one.

 

Showcase Showdown in Online Dating: Craigslist vs. OkCupid March 21, 2009

Filed under: City Living, Dating, Musings — Kimberly Senf @ 11:06 am

For the record, I am more than willing to state the fact that I am a very curious person who is almost always willing to try something once, even if nearly everyone I know thinks I’m ridiculous for doing so. So I’m trying out a little experiment.

 

It started about a year ago with my very own Craigslist ad. The kind where I say that I have adorable curly brown hair and a no-nonsense attitude when it comes to grammar, but nothing like the ads that George Blott told us about here. The replies came in waves. There were the usual penis shots and overused poetic clichés mixed in with the bad spellers, all of whom got the same amount of respect in my books, i.e. not much. Then there were the surprisingly semi-decent replies that I couldn’t be sure about because they really could have been from anyone (e.g. a murderer, one of my exes). That’s the problem with e-dating: no matter what you think you can tell from someone’s emails, no matter how many go back and forth, it’s always the in-person meet-and-greet that seals the deal.

 

Sadly, I usually only need a few minutes to figure out whether or not I’m wasting everyone’s time. I even once almost walked right by a potential date and just gone straight home because I could tell before even crossing the street that he wasn’t my type. But I went through with it, and had one of the worst quasi-dates of my life. Through Craigslist, I met ex-convicts and really boring boys who still live with their parents in St. Leonard. Since nothing was getting more exciting than that, I thought I should change it up a little bit.

 

So now I’ve taken things to a whole new level: I’ve joined OkCupid, an online dating site. And as much as I claim that it’s purely for socio-anthropological research purposes, it’s also to satisfy my curiosity about whether or not real people can actually meet other like-minded, intelligent, non-creepy people through online dating sites.

 

I know that people with lower standards than myself can have a field day on such sites, but I wonder if we semi-hipsters can make a date of it as well. Because really, when you cut out the poor spellers, creepers, 56-year-old non-sugar daddies versus the 19-year-old D&D fans, you’re not left with very much. So far I’ve managed to “run into” four people I already know on the site, while only finding a handful of eligible bachelors who I’d actually consider to be worth my time and effort.

 

So for the moment the verdict’s out. One of the perks of OkCupid is that you can see who’s looked at your profile and then size them up however you like. And I learned how to block the overly-enthusiastic people who can’t take my lack of a reply as a hint. There will have to be some real-life meetings in order for me to rate this dating site against the wonders of Craiglist personal ads, but don’t worry dear readers, I’ll keep you posted.

 

(Fixed) Gears of War March 19, 2009

Filed under: City Living, Health, Musings, Transit — Brooke D. @ 12:45 am

 

I’m a little new to the whole “riding a bike” thing, but so far am pretty sold on the idea.  I’ve always lived in cities with decent mass transit  (except that 5-year stint in LA when I spent more on parking tickets than I did at Trader Joe’s) and never really got into bikes. If you live in LA and ride a bike it means you’re either seriously broke or all those D.U.I’s finally caught up with you. Nobody rides a bike, ever.  We drive Mercedes and HUMMERS, thank you very much. I think one summer a friend decided to start a super sweet “bike gang” but we only got as far as the matching hoodies and then kind of gave up. Maybe we rode to the neighborhood bar like, twice.  People are lazy in LA and it’s kind of hilly and spread out and we like our polluted skyline just the way it is because the haze truly makes for some “amazing sunsets.”  Plus, what would we have to talk about if there was less traffic? I also spent some time in Seoul and New York, and the subways always treated me just fine.  I swear I love the sweaty cattle car feeling and getting smushed up against strangers who think other people really must love their open-mouth-gum-chewing-spitty-bubble-blowing-smack-cracking sounds first thing in the morning (obviously a pet peeve of mine).

 

 

So a couple years ago I sold my car, started traveling, and up until now thought that I’d been doing just fine on foot/by bus/metro.  Until last fall, upon my arrival in Montreal, when I was given, quite generously, a bicycle which I’m convinced possesses magical powers.  Not only do I never have to wait for the bus or go underground ever again, but anything (that isn’t booze) which gets me not only out of the house but across town is like a damn miracle.  I’ve been riding everyday since Spring kicked in and I now look for any excuse to throw on my fuzzy slippers and bike to the market, the dep, the post office, or the SAQ with my bathrobe flapping freely in the wind.

 

Just kidding; I wear pants if I have to.

 

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m kind of a wuss when it comes to traffic, patches of ice, puddles, hills, potholes and basically everything else that isn’t a clear, wide open and completely flat bicycle lane. I don’t know all the fancy names for the gears and parts and crap, and I’m more the “basket and bell” kind of girl, but I finally understand why people are so into their bicycles.  It’s been pretty wonderful and I actually feel fairly, almost, something close to… healthy? I like going fast. I like the way the sunshine reflects off my handlebars, I like the wind in my hair.  I love the sights, sounds, and smells you just don’t get from riding the bus. I love riding by people’s houses and looking in their windows. Haha. Plus dudes think it’s cute when girls ride bikes.

All images by Brooke D.

 

When I got started, a friend in Minneapolis wrote asking if I rode a fixed gear because, in his opinion, “If it ain’t fixed its broken.” And I was like, “Well, my brakes are kind of shot and really only use one gear anyway… does that count? Ooh!! And did I mention it’s pink!?”  Now, dear reader, don’t judge.  I’ve been around the block once or twice, the whole world even, and yes, I know what a fixed gear is.  I just don’t necessarily get the thing about them.  I’m pretty sure I understand that they don’t have brakes and make you… cool? Well, not so much according to this guy:

 

free-fixie

 

I like bikes, I like riding bikes, but I have no idea what this guy is talking about.  Four things I was actually able to decode from this little rant:

  • First: This guy’s messenger bag is way older than yours and ISN’T from Australia.
  • Second: Riding a fixed gear will only make you cool if you are him.
  • Third: He was the first person to do anything ever.
  • Fourth: He hates your pants. (Don’t worry, guy, I hate pants too.)

 

Nothing like some weirdo elitism to take something Super Fun and make it a Pointless Pissing Contest!  So now I’m a little confused: is riding a fixed gear really cool or really really uncool?  Is my busted up generic junker better than your Bianchi because it’s not as trendy?  Are there some kind of style guidelines I’m not aware of?  Why does this guy care if I wash my hair and what does that have to do with his bike? Are certain people just not allowed to ride bikes at all? Gee. There sure is a lot of stigma, social stratification and fashion involved in foregoing public transit, being healthy, and falling in love with your city via two wheels. I had no idea! Better start reading up to see if I’m doing this right; wouldn’t want to break any of the rules in this town. Ohwait!! I don’t give shit and I should be outside practicing my sweet wheelies, bunnyhops and gear shifting skills….

 

La vida Dulce March 18, 2009

Filed under: Culture & Society, Hipster Culture, Musings — Marianne Perron @ 10:18 am

Just as the first signs of spring are beginning to crack on the horizon, fellow blogger Kimberly and I are off to where sunshine and tequila are a permanent fixture. Yup, we’re off to Mexico with our backpacks and tanning oil (Kim) and a stack of newly published Canadian books to get through (me). Our plan is to head for silver haven, the small town of Taxco, where we’ll mingle with the locals and scope out their artwork, before heading out to the beach. Once there, we plan to laze around on the beach for days with our fancy drinks, books, and bikinis. OK, so I don’t actually own a bikini. Thank God. Finally, we’ll head to the town of Oaxaca, reputed to be Mexican hipster central. Hopefully we’ll be able to integrate with the locals and report back with an in-depth guide to being a Mexican hipster. Maybe we’ll even learn how to say hipster in Spanish.

Photo courtesy of YUCATAN BLUE REALTY

Photo courtesy of YUCATAN BLUE REALTY

 

A Cat Named Ikea March 15, 2009

Filed under: Culture & Society, Language, Musings — Laurin McNiff @ 11:37 am

I am on a constant search for new material, and so far no avenue has been too sacred for me to yield little pearls of reading pleasure while authoring for this blog that permits me to write about such random subjects as odd pet names. While Genevieve has covered the bad trends in baby-naming before, as displayed pricelessly in this post, what sparked my particular variation is the long-running joke I have regarding my own cat’s name. See, her name is Silas (as in Silas Marner), but because my cat seems to live to destroy me, I have grown accustomed to occasionally calling her “Ex Girlfriend“—because only a creature so hellbent on destroying everything I hold dear (such as brand new ottomans, leather furniture, books, and my soul) could be called ex-girlfriend. And because of this, I decided it was high time to see who else names their pets in such a way that implies they should probably never have children.

 

I found myself endlessly sifting through various webpages that were dedicated to “weird” pet names. One particular name that had me laughing was Ryan is a Fatty (yes, full cat name) and the reasoning behind it, being: “I named my cat this because my cat is a fatty and my boyfriend is a lazy FATTY just like my CAT but they both have nice eyes.”

 

Among some of my favorite epic fail pet names include the following:

Google

Edible

Telephone

Lestat

Poo-nugget

V is for Steve

Money Pit

Mantaray

Vitamin

 

There’s a story about how my mother wanted very badly to name me Siobahn, a traditional Irish name, but my father had visions of me coming home from school with black eyes—or maybe just a hugely expounded identity issue (because being gay isn’t enough)—and threatened divorce if she insisted on it. Thus, they agreed upon the name Laurin, with an “i” to replace the traditional “e”, and teachers, bosses, and spam emailers have been misspelling my name ever since.

 

I still count my lucky stars, though, because I haven’t met a single lesbian in my life named Siobahn and frankly, I don’t think the name suited me. It still would have been better than, say, Electrolux.

 

The Beginning of the End, or Simply: Fin. February 28, 2009

Filed under: Culture & Society, Language, Musings — Laurin McNiff @ 3:29 pm

There are many moments when we stop and think about the magnitude of what, who, and where we are. Do we live to the best of our abilities? Are we guided by an adequate code of personal ethics? What about that time when we got too much change back from the little Manhattan deli and we anguished over whether or not to give it back? We all have our moments, despite religious beliefs or the general rearing of our moral selves to be good.

 

Times are hard. For the first time in a long while, people are rampantly losing their jobs despite years of service and clearly-shown talent and dedication. So every once in a while, something hits a nerve with me and I wonder just what is on the “other side” and from whence my judgment cometh.

 

The Texas Department of Criminal Justice, for all of its inadequacies and questionable capital punishment laws, has completed the most uniquely odd form of websites: a collection of transcripts of Death Row prisoners’ Last Statements from 1982 until today. The statements range from long and storylined to short and profound, such as Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. It is finished., to the incoherent and startlingly unaware: “Uh, I don’t know, Um I don’t know what to say. I don’t know. (pauses) I didn’t know anybody was there. Howdy.

 

Some indicate that the prisoner declined to make a Last Statement, while others will only allude to what was said, as is the case with this particular entry for Inmate #709, Joseph Nichols: “Profanity directed toward staff.

 

Click here to have a look at a lifetime of crime and last-ditch efforts for redemption, immortalized through the Last Statements of criminals who range from the clearly guilty who seem to be genuinely sorry for their crimes, and others who may have even been innocent. Some are profound, moving and touching, while others are simple and straightforward, but the fact remains: we’re all human, and if you had the opportunity to voice your last words, what would they be?

 

Our Lady of Perpetual Re-Posting February 23, 2009

Filed under: Books & Mags, City Living, Hipster Culture, Musings — Genevieve D. Markle @ 6:00 pm

I was re-reading one of my favourite books last night, The Colossus of New York by Colson Whitehead. I read his short passage about hipsters and started giggling because I was just asked to contribute some hipster pick-up lines to a certain totally rad print publication (we’ll see if they make it past the cutting room), as if I’m some sort of insider, as if I actually know what I’m talking about. But wait, isn’t part of being cool not realizing that you’re cool? I’m confused.

 

Perhaps inspired by Marianne’s new book review project, Grasshopper Reads, I humbly suggest you check out a top ten list of books I compiled back in August, before this blog had even the semblance of a following, called “Lit-Picking: Quintessential New York Books“. It was in this post that I first recommended Whitehead’s oeuvre, from which here’s a snippet to whet your palate:

 

Hipsters seek refuge in church, Our Lady of Perpetual Subculture. There is some discussion as to whether or not they are still cool but then they are calmed by the obscure location and the arrival of their kind. Keep the address to yourself, let the rabble find it for themselves. Wow, this crappy performance art is really making me feel not so terrible about my various emotional issues. He has to duck out early to get back to his bad art. Three cheers for your rich interior life, may it serve you well come rent day. Beer before liquor never sicker. This one’s on me. Somehow he ends up buying every round. Hour by hour the customers change, grow humps horns scales. The little noises they make: her boyfriend’s out of town, his college roommate is in town, my friend’s band is playing downtown. He made too many plans with too many people and things will not turn out okay. She’s a little worried because at midnight the new legislation goes into effect and the draconian Save the Drama for Your Mama laws are really going to cramp her style. Hit the town. It hits back.
 

Warm and Chill February 13, 2009

Filed under: City Living, Language, Music, Musings — Tess Hart @ 4:24 pm

If there’s any one song you haven’t heard yet that you need me to tell you to download, “Blood Bank” by Bon Iver is it. Coming home from work after a long day, on a night when I had no plans, I found myself remembering a band that a friend of mine had told me about. We’d been talking about music in a coffee shop when she told us how she’d gone to see this amazing band, composed of four cute men singing in perfect harmony together. She described it as a “warm and chill” show. As three of us hunched over her laptop and listened, I felt alternately warmed and chilled, and it was something special; I went home to buy their music online. I typed in “Bon Hiver”—which is how I remember “Good Winter” being spelled in the days I took high school French—but couldn’t find the band.

 

I read a blurb about them in a magazine a few days later, completely by chance, and when I saw the correct misspelling of their name it was like a lightbulb went off inside my head. I remember thinking how strange and confusing language could be, especially when you know the theory and the vocabulary but lack the context of culture, idiom, and slang. Now, I’m not normally the type of person to think the world revolves around me, but listening to their music makes me feel like I’m the star of an independent art film about a sad young woman who’s not really fulfilled in life for some sad, poetic reason, and Bon Iver is playing in the scene where I’m about to figure out something big or transcendental or have a huge revelation. When you live in a big city, you spend most of your day being anonymous, and the rare person who makes eye contact with you will forget your face in a matter of moments. It’s nothing personal; you walk by hundreds of people on the street without saying hello, or ignore the person sitting next to you on the train. So once in a while it’s nice to daydream about how the cinematography would match the soundtrack to your life, even if the movie you’re starring in is more or less anonymous.

 

Debbie Does Downers February 12, 2009

Filed under: Culture & Society, Music, Musings — Genevieve D. Markle @ 4:38 am

The Ativan I took in a (failed) attempt to calm my nerves caused me to waddle somewhat drunkenly down the hallway and into the bathroom, where I stared at my dejected face and resisted the urge to play connect-the-dots with my stress-induced pimples. Things have been going really poopy lately, but let’s try to put things in perspective, shall we?

Things I have:

- a place to live in New York City, should I want it.

- a totally awesome freelance gig, writing for some cool Chelsea scenesters, should I want it.

- the best friends a girl could ever ask for; friends who would give me the metaphorical shirt off their back if I asked them for it (including one who gave me the literal shirt of his back so that I could sob and blubber into it).

So you’d think things would be all peachy, going swell, and other assorted housewives’ catchphrases from the 50’s, right? Well, wrong. Genny’s in the dumps, because there is one very obvious component missing from the preceding scenario: a Green Card. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that elusive piece of green cardstock with my name and photo on it, safely immortalized behind a plastified layer of lamination—oh! my heart breaks to even picture it. I would have had the prettiest Green Card of them all.

But from whence came this obsession with all things American? And why do I have this unquenchable desire to get there and make it my home forever, while still retaining my proud sense of deep-rooted Canadianism that makes me stick out like a sore thumb in the States every time I say things like, “Yeah, eh?”? I’ll never forget where I come from, nor do I ever want to be rid of who I really am, of what’s embedded in my soul… but fuck it, I just want to live in New York!

As I am always prone to a little introspection, often resulting in far-flung theories or hair-brained schemes, I think I came up with the roots of my inner battle for patriotism.  The year was 1984, and I was at just the right age to be developing my first-ever rock star crush. But 1984 was a landmark year in rock history, causing me to develop not one but two love obsessions with the greatest rock stars of the year. Canadian rocker Bryan Adams, with his pockmarked face and rough-around-the-edges hockey brawler looks, released Reckless, a success from beginning to end featuring six number one singles and a bunch of sexy videos featuring him in crotch-caressing acid-washed jeans. At the same time, America’s favourite working-class hero from Joisey, Bruce Sprinsteen a.k.a. The Boss, came out with his brilliant and evocative Born in the U.S.A. album—and he had a fab toosh to boot.

bruce
brian

There they were, right there on my parents’ record stand, two completely opposing examples of Canadiana and Americana. And which one drew me in more?  The Boss’s tight buns on the Born in the U.S.A. album cover, as he stands in front of the red and white stripes of the American flag? Or Bryan’s sexy red and black lumberjack on the “Summer of ‘69″ single, declaring his Canadian-ness to the world through the donning of our unofficial national flannel jacket? Either way, these days I’d 69 with either of them and not think twice about it, but I digress.

I was young and impressionable and in love, and I was getting conflicting messages about what I should be relating and attaching to. My two loves represented polar extremes of patriotism—and I kind of liked them both. Could my inability to choose between these two rock stars be why I am still unable to choose a country today?  Was I stunted back in 1984, forever stuck in my girlish mindset, the way Humbert Humbert was stunted at age 12 by the traumatic death of his beloved Annabel Leigh, causing him to forever be only attracted to nymphets like Lolita, even into late adulthood? Am I destined to be torn between the country of my birth and the country I so desperately want to adopt me, just the way I was torn between Canadian Bryan and American Bruce? Or am I reading too much into this?

Regardless, it is with much dismay that I must report to you, dear readers and friends of the blogosphere, a little self-imposed personal hiatus of an indetermined length of time.  Until this Debbie Downer can shake her mean reds, I don’t foresee myself contributing quite as much to The Tragically Unhip as I used to. But I’ll catch you on the flip side, amigos. You can count on that.

 

When Sally Met Sally (A Lesbian Take on Film and NYC) February 6, 2009

Filed under: City Living, Dating, Musings — Laurin McNiff @ 9:57 pm

Today I decided to take a personal day. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I’ve had to deal with the following stressors in my life the past week alone: real estate agents appraising my house; a 5-day plumbing debacle that left me and my roommate without water and with sporadic flooding; me undergoing on-a-whim plumbing endeavors (I understand why some lesbians have toolbelts now); and a variety of awkward social encounters.  As such, I haven’t had a decent amount of breathing room or personal time. When my roommate asked me what my ideal plan would be for this magnanimous day of rejuvenation, I replied, “I’m going to sleep in as long as possible, laze around in my pajamas, and watch When Harry Met Sally while being horribly nostalgic and self-reflective until you come home from work and we’re forced to interact with other people outside of our home.”

 

While watching the movie, I did in fact become incredibly nostalgic and got to thinking about my internal struggle of loving and hating New York City. I’ve briefly touched upon these subjects in the past, but never really gone into them in more detail other than some sighing here and there with a few references alluding to my unyielding romanticism. I admit, I’ve been lucky enough to have had several relationships—and even a few memorable non-relationships—that still bring a smile to my face, but one thing is certain: There is no place like New York when you’re happy and in love. It’s a love paradise. But that can create a cynic in some of us, because when you see these lucky couples grooming each other’s best outfits with care, laughing and looking incredibly happy while dining in the city’s finest restaraunts or even on the subways or strolling the streets, it can widen the hole of loneliness within some of us.

 

I could write a snarky humor piece expressing my distaste for the amount of saccharin-sweet couples that I encounter on a daily basis, but today I’m just thankful for this one “single lady” thing: being able to cry at home in my pj’s while watching the New York I dream of courtesy of Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal.

 

I’m sure my Sally is out there—probably in Brooklyn.

 

How’s the Weather? January 31, 2009

Filed under: Language, Musings — Marianne Perron @ 10:23 pm

Up there? Down under, outside? Folks, I am a 25-year-old woman and I get paid to talk about the weather. Am I a weather forecaster? Nope. I am a private English instructor. It  just so happens that the majority of my clients are being trained to talk about the weather. In the books we use for instruction, entire chapters are devoted to the weather. As the levels progress, the words increase in complexity. Single-syllable cues like sun and rain turn into more complex conditions like balmy and bitter. So where does that leave me? A sun-starved SADist to be sure, glancing out the window of my little classroom and prompting my clients with the time-tested line of small talkers everywhere: “Some weather we’re having”.  

 

With the thermometer dipping to -30 for several days this month, it’s no wonder bloggers like Kimberly and I are finding little else to blog about. Indeed, the cold snap has pretty much destroyed my identity, as I forget my fashion self and clomp around the streets in Fargo Sorels and an enormous red Santa suit. When I’m not busy braving the cold (and now nearly twice as long) commute to work, I’m sleeping my days away and piling on the winter pounds. Alas, dear reader there is hope—for Kim and I escape to Mexico next month!  

 

Baby, It’s Cold Outside January 27, 2009

Filed under: Body, Health, Musings — Kimberly Senf @ 11:12 pm

Montreal is a very chilly city—where the temperature hits thermometer bottom for about a third of the year and every January I wonder why I put up with the slushy streets and freezing rain that turns puddles into ice sheets, and leaving the house becomes an altogether uninviting option.

 

Don’t even get me started on the lack of sunshine, ’cause I could go on for many grey days. With the lack of Vitamin D and outdoor extra-curriculars (only truly insane people go cross-country skiing in -20°C weather) I sometimes find myself staring off into the white nothingness, dreaming of sunny beaches and hot sand. Or I sit at home and try to send myself into oblivion by the insane amount of random televisions shows I can consume in a four-hour period. (And yes, I still wonder why I get nothing done.)

 

Winter is supposed to be about hibernation and time spent by roaring fireplaces and drinking hot toddies with loved ones. But what if I can’t even be bothered to get out of bed to find the wine that I should be mulling? The sun is done for the day by 3 p.m. and all too many people I know cannot be bothered to leave their house when the mercury tells them what they don’t want to learn. Add a little SAD to the equation, and it’s just a regular winter in Canada. Sad but true, Seasonal Affective Disorder is the fancy-schmancy term for the winter blues that take root in my bones until April heats up the streets and everyone comes out to play again. Woe is me and my unfulfilled wishes of warm country days.

 

Due to the lack of sunshine in my life (I am born on the darkest day of the year, thank you parents), I have actually sought therapy for said winter blues. I’ve downed bottles of Vitamin D in a quick-fix phase, but soon realized that if I wanted lasting results, I would have to pull out the big guns, otherwise known as the SAD lamp. They’re nifty and oh-so-bright, but the catch is that they’re also easily $200. And then I wonder, do I have to sit in front of it for a half hour a day to get the maximum benefit, or can I just read Jane Eyre while the lamp shines on? In the end, I decided that my clumsy nature would likely result in my SAD lamp becoming a sad mess of broken parts, and I would be out $200 and even more depressed. So instead I opted for the tried and very well-tested method of coping through chocolate. That was pre-detox, though. This winter, I’ll have to wing it with some white tea and almond butter, fingers crossed that I’ll have the willpower to keep the chocolate hidden in my freezer until the spring thaw.

 

(Or, alternately, I could sit at home and listen to “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” on vinyl and use my nifty camcorder to record the record spinning round and round. But I think I’ll take my chances with the white tea and try to forget exactly how cold it is outside.)

 

 

But I’ll Still Wear Black January 26, 2009

Filed under: City Living, Musings — Meagan Burbidge @ 10:05 am

I had quite a thought on this fair, non-specific day in Brooklyn, sitting around listening to Crystal Castles and Kap Bambino with just a hint of The Kinks and Chopin all day.

 

I’ve always been of a certain inclination that if you truly are of something, you should possess the constitution to relish it without promotion. (That goes for you, too, E-Train Jesus-Plagued Preachers.) However, I feel that it is necessary for me to post it for all three of you to witness so that I cannot take it back tomorrow when I remember that I don’t have a washer and dryer.

 

This idea spawned sometime ago, only I was too arrogant to acknowledge it. And now, as I sit and try to catalogue all of the various things/people/animatronic caterpillars that I could possibly dismember in order to reveal my literary dark intuitiveness and rapist wit to “the world” (previously mentioned unascertained “three”), I am at a loss.

 

Tomorrow (which is today; because I am still edgy enough to stay up late), will be as it always is: My coffee will still taste like battery acid, I will fuck up my omelet, my neighbor’s children will continue to be paradigms of perpetual dudgeon while interpreting inexorable stampedes for 18 hours each day, and someone in my neighborhood will still look disappointed when they discover that I continue to be white.

 

I am contented.
Isn’t it wretched.

 

Recessionista Fashion January 25, 2009

Filed under: Books & Mags, Culture & Society, Fashion, Language, Money, Musings, Shopping — Marianne Perron @ 6:31 pm

A true word I read in this month’s edition of Vogue, recessionista, captures everything the modern woman should be—or does it? The article in question was yet another piece about a modern day trend I don’t understand: the clothing swap. Maybe it’s because all my has-been threads get demoted to gym wear status or donated to charity, and, being an oniomaniac, I keep my closet stocked with pieces I love, but the swap party fails to appeal to me. Add to that the fact that, at size 12 (thank you Club Monaco), I rarely fit into the petite fashions being auctioned, so you can see why I’ve been known to choose dinner with grandma over the swap scene.

 

courtesy of NeimanMarcus.com

Photo courtesy of NeimanMarcus.com

That said, I did enjoy the article. It’s entertaining, if nothing else, to muse about what swap parties are like among the dolce vita set, the Kate Spade/Louboutin-sporting women it’s aimed at. Honey, if I owned a Dior handbag, I would not be trading it in, I’d be clinging to it for dear life among the debris that is our current economic flow.

 

After I’d put down the magazine and trudged home in the January snow, I got to thinking. Recessionista, a bug that had snagged my eye upon first read, came back and lodged itself in my mind. Normally, I’m crazy about linguistic acrobatics. Anyone who’s read my poetry knows I invent words and coin phrases like it’s nobody’s business. Recessionista. I even like the way it sounds. Sort of chic and regal, not at all financial crisis.

 

The more I thought about it though, the more the word made me feel sick. Don’t get me wrong—I love fashion. I love fashion and I have a shopping problem. Still, the idea of taking something very serious and turning it into a light amuse-gueule made me ponder the kind of thinking that got us into the mess to begin with. I think “recessionista” says it all: trying to plaster a fake face on a rotten corpse and keep the good times coming. While I do think today’s fashion vixen should be more economically minded, and it’s only smart to promote thrift in times of recession, the word seems to signify something beyond itself. It hints at the flawed state of American thinking—that although the ship is sinking, the pageant will go on. 

 

Why I No Longer Wear a Bra January 22, 2009

Filed under: Body, Fashion, Musings — Genevieve D. Markle @ 11:31 am

If you’ve ever seen me in person, or if you’ve been reading this blog religiously enough, you would have learned by now that I am flat-chested. I can barely fill an A-cup, and the only kind of cleavage you’ll ever see on me is when I bend over and my butt crack peeks out over the top of my low-rise Sevens. I am totally fine with my small breast size, as there is nothing I can really do about it, and besides, there are much bigger things to be worrying about in the world today. For me, wearing a bra serves no other purpose than to inflame the already irritated skin on my back, so I decided last week that if the bra was the cause of my problem, then why not eliminate the bra? I didn’t think anyone would miss it, least of all me.

 

My high school gym teacher in Grade 7, a pervy old French guy who told me I had a big nose, once explained to the budding, pubescent girls in our class that the way to determine if we should be wearing a bra is to go home and do the Pencil Test. The test is simple: Remove shirt and bra, lift up breast, place pencil horizontally under breast, and let go of breast. If the pencil stays put under your boob, you’ve got big enough gals to require support. If the pencil falls to the floor, however, then you are too small (or “perky”, if it makes you feel better) to necessitate a bra. I went home after school that day and performed the test in my bedroom, only to have the pencil fall to the floor and bounce around a few times on its eraser. Disbelievingly and stubbornly I tried again, this time testing both breasts and several different writing instruments. But the results were always the same: pencil/pen/marker/highlighter plummets to the ground; I sob.

 

Some fifteen years later, a male friend of mine educated me on a new boob test: the Martini Glass Test. He explained that some men consider the perfect breast size as being not too big and not too small, as determined by whether or not the breast can fit comfortably into a martini glass. I laughed at first—wondering what ridiculous frat boy came up with this preposterous, insecurity-causing method of measurement—but as the night progressed, I couldn’t shake the insuppressible urge and curiosity to see how I measured up. Gratefully, I had a minibar in my apartment back then, so a martini glass was easy enough to find when I got home that night. A little tipsy, I took off my shirt, inserted a bare breast into the martini glass, and sighed. There was no filling the martini glass. I conceded defeat and accepted my small-boobied fate.

 

It has now been a week since I last donned a brassiere. By renouncing the societal pressure to keep my girls nicely cupped in overpriced bras from La Senza and Victoria’s Secret, forming aesthetically pleasing, immobile mounds of undetected nipple under my shirt, I am feeling like less of a consumer and more of a naturalist—as though I’m keepin’ it real. There will be no bra burning by this aspiring feminist, but I can tell you that it will take a lot of arm twisting to get me to put one back on. 

 

 

Buh-bye bra. (Photo courtesy of dpchallenge.com)

Buh-bye bra. (Photo courtesy of dpchallenge.com)

 

Video Blogging: A (Sexual) Revolution January 20, 2009

Filed under: Culture & Society, Musings, Sex, Technology, Video — Laurin McNiff @ 10:29 pm

Sometimes, when plugging in and connecting to this vast blogosphere, we forget that solid gold can be found in simple expressions and critiques by regular folk just like you and me: via postings, webisodes, and other forums splashed across the interwebs. Take, for example, this gem I found today while casually browsing YouTube, called “Let Me Smell Yo Dick“ by a woman who goes by the handle “gloriousmandestroya“.

 

When first viewing, you’re not quite sure if this is just a dialogue on change, society, and economic climate; or if it really is a defensive analysis of the act of smelling male genitalia (or fingers) to determine whether a significant other has cheated. It’s a candid (yes, candid is the word I’ll use here) rundown on relationships, cheating, and sex.

 

Other issues that gloriousmandestroya addresses in the 119 YouTube video blogs she’s posted thus far? Hairy armpits, titties, birth control, the joys of being a slut, voting, the N word, the guilt suffered by rape and abuse victims, women who don’t have orgasms, interracial relationships, and vegetarianism. Is she a feminist? A talking head? Clueless? Accurate? Is she a controversial voice of the Internet Generation? Whatever she’s doing, she’s doing something right, because her video blogs have more subscribers (4693 people, as of January 20) than our humble blog gets visitors in a month.

 

Gloriousmandestroya’s “Let Me Smell Yo Dick” video blog is actually a commentary on the song of the same name by Riskay. We’ve posted it here, for your viewing and listening pleasure. 18+ only!

 

 

Your Facebook Status Makes You Look Stupid January 20, 2009

Filed under: Culture & Society, Musings, Technology — Elli S. @ 9:55 pm

Something quite noteworthy about the Facebook phenomenon is the ubiquitous Facebook status. Occasionally, I have found myself thinking in Facebook status mode, i.e. the voice in my head will say something like, “Elli has no clean underwear and needs to do her laundry like ASAP. Updated just a moment ago.”

 

What really boggles my mind is the number of people who are willing to share their private business via Facebook status. I’m talking about the emotional baggage that no one wants to hear about, being dragged out onto the wwwdot for everyone to read. It seems that these divulgers may have forgotten one teeny little detail, though: FACEBOOK IS ON THE INTERNET. THE INTERNET IS PUBLIC. If your personal life is in the pits and you Facebook-status that shit, it is highly likely that people will indeed read it. And chances are, no one will pity you when your status is something like this: 

 

Margaret Thatcher* is over it, once again…and for sure this time. 3 minutes ago - Comment


Margaret Thatcher, you look stupid. Foremost because you need the person you are getting over to read on Facebook that you are over him. This doesn’t really prove that you are over him. If you were over it, wouldn’t your status be something like this: “Margaret Thatcher doesn’t see a cloud in the sky!”? Also, the “and for sure this time” bit fully shoots down any legitimacy that this status ever had. Sorry, Thatch.

 

Let’s look at some more examples, shall we? 

 

Winston Churchill* is upset that people who call themselves friends can’t be trusted. This does not apply to you four though. 22 minutes ago - Comment


Cyndi Lauper* is i rather have a few friends that are TRUE friends than a bunch of friends that just talk shit. 7 minutes agoComment


Why do Winston and Cyndi feel the need to bash their so-called friends over the internet? It sucks that you can’t trust your friends, but telling the world via Facebook is just irrational. What if these people were to apologize tomorrow? If that happened, Cyndi and Winston would have already immortalized these harsh feelings in their Facebook statuses. And, like Maggie, they look stupid making their relationship problems public on the internet. Also, Cyndi made a grammatical error in her status, which really isn’t getting her out of the virtual hole of shame she’s already dug herself into. 

 

But I believe Helen Keller said it best with her status, updated 15 hours ago:

 

Helen Keller* hates when ppl change their status for EVERY stupid little thing they do like every five hours… GET A LIFE  15 hours ago - Comment

 

Eloquently put, young Helen. We at The Tragically Unhip agree.  I especially like your use of the word “like” to portray your frustration. 

 

While Facebook is the best/worst thing to ever happen to procrastinators like myself (I should be doing homework this very second, actually), I can’t help but feel a little distraught over the fact that I found out about my old high school English teacher having a child and that an old co-worker of mine got divorced—by reading their Facebook status updates. Maybe I should pick up a phone once in a while instead…? Nah.

 

 

*Quite obviously, the names have been change for your, but mainly my, amusement. I suppose the people I’m making fun of here—actual Facebook friends of mine—wouldn’t want their names to be used in one of my cynical rantings, but I will mention that all of these status updates are real. Of course, it’s not like any of these people would ever be reading this blog, mostly because I highly doubt that any of these people actually read.

 

Will Hang You Out to Dry January 17, 2009

Filed under: City Living, Money, Musings, Neighbourhood — Meagan Burbidge @ 2:39 pm

I don’t know if it’s just me, with my simple Midwestern features and misleading mannerisms that indicate to many that I should be engaged in all their trials and tribulations, but it really seems as though it is nearly impossible to so much as stand in line to buy chapstick and ballpoint pens without someone exclaiming, “Do you know how bad the economy is right now?”

 

I usually just smile and nod politely while scream-humming Arab on Radar in my head.  For me, so long as I can afford a pack of cigarettes and a place to rest my increasingly-worn shoes, I’m all right.  Sure, I miss dining on fancy cheese with Tiffany silver and wiping my ass with Egyptian cotton toilet napkins, but I’ve really embraced falling on tough times.

 

In all seriousness, I haven’t really felt the cold sting of an ungracious economy.  In college, I was too busy drinking 2 for $10 bottles of foul Shiraz and nursing my preternatural angst to apply for valid internships or look for relevant, resume-filling work opportunities. Chances are, regardless of the state of the union, I would be doing exactly what I am now.  That being: working jobs that are painstakingly underwhelming and sitting in my apartment thinking about how much easier it would be if someone would just deliver me a grownup kit, complete with tie and glasses, and I’d start work in the morning.

 

Perhaps I was just worn out from the constant flood of nay-say that came my way upon my decision to move to New York.  People would apply witty catchphrases to conversation, such as: “When you shake someone’s hand in New York, check to make sure you still have all five fingers!”, which merited my response of: “People shake hands in New York?” Most would continue on to say that what with the “hustle and bustle” and the “Angry New Yorker” persona (which I’ve only experienced with visitors, but take care—that will come later, I am sure of it): “You’ll be destitute! Do you know how expensive it is there? Do you?!”

 

Truthfully, the only thing that I’ve noticed a difference in price with is the cost of cigarettes, and frankly, they’re worth every penny. Other than that, I can understand the “cost of real estate” argument (location, location and all that), but if you subtract insurance, gas, tires, oil changes, and the will to live that it costs to drive around that suburb collectively known as America every day, and you will probably even out.  If you can wrap your brain around not dining at Jean-Georges four times a month, then you’re set, as far as Manhattan is concerned.

 

All this reasoning, of course, came before I walked into the abomination of the Way of Things and Natural Order: I am of course speaking of your local Brooklyn laundromat. I came prepared with your expected laundromat staples (water, trail mix, Vogue, detergent, and a roll of quarters), but when I arrived, everything went horribly wrong.

 

Apparently, modern washing machines are too sophisticated for the average American quarter; don’t insult it.  These days, they only accept a specific magnetic strip card—never to be misinterpreted for the sub-standard credit card—which you are required to pay 99¢ simply to obtain from a machine that is also anti-coin, pro-paper bills, and anti-reason, rationale, and general convenience. Once you’ve signed away your rights as a citizen to get the magnetic strip card, you have to pay $4.00 per load for the average single-person load, or $2.00 per load to use the smaller machine: a real bargain if you happen to be one who only washes a single washcloth and perhaps a pair of underpants (but you may not want to overdo it; nobody likes a glutton).  After that, it’s a mere 30¢ per 8 minutes to of dryer time. Fifteen-minute intervals would be menacing.  Be serious.

 

I’ve wanted to move to New York for as long as I can remember: the shoes, the music, the films, the grime, the practice of being in the midst of millions of people and still having the advantage of being entirely unto yourself.  I couldn’t resist and thus made a very hasty decision, one that had bright-burning warning signs that read “ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? DO NOT DO THIS!” This decision involved moving into the living room of a single, 45-year-old (legally 60) female owner of three bastard sons of The Renegade Angel Lucifer (her “babies”, better known as “cats”) on the Upper West Side. Decent rent, fantastic neighborhood, bat shit insanity.  It’s an epic and convoluted tale that has so scarred my psyche that I don’t ever imagine being able to cleverly adapt it into a satirical greeting card or miniseries.  (Those of you who are intrigued, know that it involved cats shitting where I slept; statements like “Well, since I’ve gotten through menopause…” followed by “…but that wasn’t until after I stopped using cocaine”; and awakening to find her watching me as I slept.)  Needless to say, there was an in-building laundry room, sympathetically priced at $1.25 a load, and I was blissfully unaware of how good I really had it, in laundering terms.

 

This is The Man: weighing me down, cuh-cuh-cuh-crushin’ me.

 

A Starfish Is Born January 6, 2009

Filed under: Film, Musings, Sex — Genevieve D. Markle @ 3:38 pm

One of my platonic male friends has taken a new lover. We were discussing this over drinks the other night. He said, “It’s not the best sex, but it’ll do.” I asked him what the problem was; was she a pillow princess or something? He asked, “What’s a pillow princess?” I explained, “You know, a girl who just kind of lies there and looks pretty.” He guffawed and responded, “You mean an étoile de mer!”

 

Étoile de mer is the French word for “starfish”. It is quite a fitting designation, when you think about it, because a starfish just sort of lies there with its arms and legs out. This may be all fine and dandy when you’re just chillin’ on the ocean floor, but it’s not so hot when you’re in bed with someone who isn’t a necrophiliac. My friend’s admission made me wonder: Is it worse to have no sex at all, or to settle for bad sex?

 

The reason I was even reminded of this exchange is because I was watching online porn last night. See, I’d been perusing the freelance writing gigs on Craigslist and I saw an ad to be a paid porn reviewer. It’s like mystery shopping for XXX sites: the company sends me to their clients’ websites, I become a member, then I peruse the different pages and rate them on a scale of 1-5. My final responsibility is to compose a little write-up about my overall experience and provide feedback and make suggestions for how they can improve the overall customer experience. I figured I’d be perfect for the gig because a) I used to work in a porno theatre, so I am no stranger to skin flicks, and b) how does reviewing sex differ that much from reviewing restaurants, which I’ve done here and here?

 

I received my first assignment last night, which I attacked with gusto. “I am going to be the best porn reviewer these people have ever had!” I scrolled through those nudie pics and watched those sex scene videos as if my next paycheque depended on it (which it did). I composed reviews of eloquent prose, and at one point even drew a correlation to feminist theory. I was into it! Some of the videos were actually pretty hot, and I was happy to see that the girls in the amateur videos seemed to be in control and genuinely getting off—no pillow princesses here. If I’m going to be stuck watching porn, I at least want the girls to look like they’re enjoying themselves, not just lie there like étoiles de mer and moan half-heartedly when the timing’s right.

 

Perhaps the most famous pillow princess of all is Paris Hilton. We couldn’t even screen her 1 Night in Paris flick at the theatre because my boss claimed it was “not hardcore enough”. Intrigued, I took advantage of the theatre’s lending policy for employees and brought the DVD home to see for myself. I made it about twenty minutes in before I was yawning and complaining, “But she’s just lying there!” At one point, she even stopped the sex in order to answer her cell phone. It was awful. I hope she’s gotten better since then.

 

All this to say that, as usual, I don’t have the answers. I can’t tell you how to do it properly and I can’t answer whether it’s worse to have bad sex or no sex. To each his own, I guess. All I can say is to be receptive and try and have fun, because it takes two to tango.

 

The Asshole Experiment January 5, 2009

Filed under: Dating, Musings, Sex — Laurin McNiff @ 8:33 pm

Why does it seem like all the good girls are taken—usually by totally jerky, undeserving men and women? What is it about a detached, cocky asshole that is so desirable to females? Is it the thrill of the chase; or wanting something you can’t have; or seeking the challenge of taming someone; or a combination of all three? I am a single, independent, and modestly successful lesbian living in what most spoiled Manhattanites consider “the ghetto” that is East New York (even Astoria girls are fearful, despite their typical 12+ block walk to the subway), but being, for the most part, a non-sexually-driven person, I am what you could call a mythical creature in terms of sex: I rarely want it before actually getting to know someone.

 

You know, really getting to know someone. As in taking them on a few dates before inviting them back to the ‘hood. Listening to what they have to say. Being genuinely interested in learning more about them. And this—like the old saying about nice gals finishing last—has not proven successful thus far. So I decided to embark on a scientific mission with one overall goal: To see how different my results are when I go from “the nice, chivalrous girl who wouldn’t dream of sex on the first date” to “the biggest, most scorched and testosterone-infused asshole to every female I might remotely take an interest in.”

 

My logic is this: I see men every day on the train, at the bar—everywhere—talking to and treating “their women” like dogpoop. Literally, as if a woman’s only reason to exist is to provide an orifice that will gladly accept their manhood on any given weekday—as long as it ends in “-day”. It truly is an inspiring work of art to see someone whose behaviour makes my stomach turn walk out of the bar accompanied by what used to be an intelligent and possibly attractive woman who is falling all over herself for the biggest jerk in the room. How could this be?

 

I tried out my new asshole persona last Thursday. I was approached by a girl in a bar, and instead of being sweet and charming, I asked nonchalant, blunt questions. Sure, I had that snake-charmer grin that I always sport, sure I stared intently into her eyes when she was saying something important—just far less than ever. I acted borderline-disinterested the entire time, and it worked! Far better than I even expected it to; she ended up throwing herself at me and insisted that I take her home. Astounded, it has now become my mission to see just how far I can push this envelope.

 

Now, testing out this process did not come without doubts. Two nights, I grew feverishly concerned as to whether or not I had behaved appropriately. Did I not hold the door for her at all? What’s wrong with me? You might be saying to yourself, “Wow, Laurin, you must be a grade-A douchebaguette.” Or maybe, “Geez, are you one disrespectful degrader of women.” Whatever it was, I don’t mind—because (shhh!) it’s all a front anyway. The fact of the matter is, if (and that’s a pretty huge “if”) I ever find a girl worthy of my sweet demeanor and charitable personality, I’ll drop this whole routine. But then and only then will I stop acting like the one thing we are all familiar with:

 

An asshole.

 

How It Came to Be That I Moved to New York January 1, 2009

Filed under: Booze, Dating, Musings — Laurin McNiff @ 11:51 pm

Let’s face it: everyone keeps a record of their daily lives, and sometimes it can be cathartic to publicly recount how we came to be the people we are today—in my case, a quasi-disillusioned, hard-drinking lesbian in the Big Apple. What better time than New Year’s Day to recap this evolution with a brutal and nostalgic honesty? I bring you, straight from the personal archive, My Story.

 

My longest relationship was with a girl I met in Virginia while she was attending one of the most emotionally-degenerative and behaviorally-regressive colleges in the United States. What makes it so, you ask? Well, for one, it has a Program for the Exceptionally Gifted that enrolls 15-year-old girls with proven intellectual prowess, girls who have never even attended high school. And secondly, it is an all-girls school. Now you see where this is going.

 

This girl was an all-out über-dyke, the kind that at first glance produces images of bra-burning—maybe even some flag-burning—peppered among the traditional imagery of the species: the Feminist Lesbian. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t obnoxious because of this, but it certainly added some extra teeth-grinding to our relationship. She had a shaved head and was, simply put, one of the most obnoxiously annoying people I have ever met in my life. How this turned into love, I will never know, but, alas, there is no known cure for temporary insanity. It was just me and Cupid. Hanging out with the loaded gun of stupid.

 

After four years of being the most seemingly mismatched couple ever (me, of the preppy butch variety, and her, the ever-changing but always-astringent, in-your-face lesbian), we parted ways. But here’s the clincher: She left me for our former neighbor, a 31-year-old black man. (Note: Color is irrelevant, but it does add a nice flair to the overall “No way!”-factor.)

 

For a year straight, all I did was drown in my own version of Leaving Las Vegas. I slept with any friend of hers I could somehow charm into bed, and drank with complete and utter abandon. I did this on Maryland’s grandiose, albeit redneck, Eastern Shore. Until my arch enemy called me early one evening:

Arch Enemy: “So, are you still looking for a job?”
Me: (half-drunk at this point, and in the same house as my parents) “As long as it’s not pumping gas or running away from anything on fire.”
Arch Enemy: “What do you think of New York?”
Me: “It’s a big, scary-ass city that I associate with violence and poverty. But I hear it’s fun times.”
Arch Enemy: “Well how would you feel about working here?”
Me: “How much does this job pay and is it legal?”
Arch Enemy: “It starts at about $30k a year, but you can negotiate that if they want you after your interview.”
Me: “I’m on the next train as long as I can crash at your place.”
Arch Enemy: “Done.”

 

And lo, here I am (still drunk), sitting in Brooklyn in my leather chair, wearing boxers and a sports-bra, and no better off with the ladies than I was a few years ago.  Due to my failed mating techniques thus far and the fact that I now live in a fast-paced city that seems to be guided by the principle of chewing people up and then spitting ‘em out again, I understand and accept that will have to evolve even further in order to survive with the fittest. Coming soon: I shall adopt a new persona—that of the non-committal douchbaguette user of women—and see if I am more successful in scoring. I shall call it “The Asshole Experiment.”  Stay tuned.

 

So When Did the Internet Become Cool? December 29, 2008

Filed under: Culture & Society, Musings, Technology — Tess Hart @ 8:06 am

Growing up as a young geek into an adult geek, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has noticed that a lot of things that were once considered uncool or dorky have gradually been absorbed and claimed by the mainstream. Like the internet. In the days of yore, when the internet was still in its fledgeling years and the dot.com bust wasn’t even a glimmer on the digital horizon, we had online services like CompuServe and Prodigy and 14.4 kbit/s modems; those were cutting-edge. Companies never included URLs in their commercials, and most people didn’t even have an e-mail address.

 

I remember my seventh-grade Technology teacher showing my class a primitive, text-based version of the ‘net. He typed a few words to a Technology teacher in North Carolina: “Hi, this is Mr. H—’s class. How are you guys?” He made eye contact with each and every one of us as we sat erect on our backless stools (“great for posture!”). In the light of the overhead projector, he looked like a mad scientist on the verge of a monumental discovery. And someone—presumably another seventh grade Technology teacher, and not a serial killer—typed back on the screen: “Hello. This is Mrs. E—’s class. The weather here is nice. How is it in New York?” It was as if we had made first contact with extraterrestrial life, albeit of the Raleigh variety.

 

In the cafeterias, the boys from the computer club were evolving into a separate species at a faster rate than ever before, at least according to popular opinion. They sat, exiled to their own lunch table, and discussed enigmatic text-based role-playing worlds beyond the physical plane that the rest of us inhabited, worlds that could only be accessed from their home computers. By day, they took AP Calculus and aced Honors Chemistry tests. By night, they were half-elven rangers, dwarven barbarians, vampires, dark paladins, and level 5 magic users with other 15-year-olds from around the state, maybe even the country; Dungeons & Dragons had gone online.

 

Popular opinion was that everyone had (or should have had) better things to do with their precious hours of after-school freedom than sit and type in front of a computer. There were malls to be shopped at, varsity teams to qualify for, garage bands to be formed and disbanded, cigarettes to be smoked, parental liquor cabinets to be discovered, CDs to be listened to, and dark poetry to be written. Who in their right mind, after writing a thesis paper on To Kill A Mocking Bird for ninth-grade English, wanted to spend another three hours at the computer, communing with faceless freaks in parts unknown?

 

But slowly, almost secretly, I took a few baby steps into the online world myself. I had an AOL account, with a profile that said my gender (female), state (New York), and included my favorite quotation at the time. I had a buddy list of five other friends, one of whom I “blocked” from time to time depending on whether or not I was mad at her. My screen name was Cranberry503, after my favorite band. I developed the beginnings of internet “street smarts”: never giving my password out, and never revealing too much information about myself, like full name or zip code. I learned a new language—LOL, ROTFLMAO—and an entire dictionary of emoticons that stretched from the standard smiley face [:-)] to a buck-toothed vampire smiley [>:-E] to a beach bum frown [8-( ]. I entered political chat rooms, where I made sharp-tongued (or sharp-keyed?) arguments against the destruction of old-growth forests in Oregon and passionate defenses of a Woman’s Right to Choose. Shy in high school, I discovered myself loud and outspoken in this strange online landscape, where the deaf could fully participate in any conversation, and private clubhouse chat rooms could instantly be created. I was part of a new but closeted generation of geekdom; very few girls in my class even admitted to having screen names. I can still recall the proud and daring day when I updated my AOL profile with my first name and felt the thrill of exposing a tidbit of my identity to a largely undiscovered, brave new world. Then movies like Hackers and The Matrix showed us how the computer geeks of the world were going to save us all (while looking amazing in leather), and roles became confused forever.

 

At least, that’s the way I remember it. Today, if you don’t have at least three miniature electronic devices that let you take pictures, watch videos, look up directions, read movie reviews, or listen to music, you’ve been living under a rock for the last decade. And if your gadget doesn’t do all those things at once, it’s just primitive. The “kids” these days talk to their friends on G-chat while updating their Facebook pages and think nothing of posting photos of themselves that friends can see and strangers can find ways to access. Screen names like “SweetPea0134″ or “Racer5894″ are no longer necessary, as people tend to use their full names now. Adults list their career histories for all to see on LinkedIn. “To google” is a verb. Having a profile on an online social networking site is no longer considered socially repugnant; rather, lacking one marks you as just plain rebellious. And what would a linguist 1,000 years into the future make of our rapidly evolving online language, with its symbols, acronyms and abbreviations? Webster’s even just announced that “overshare“, the act of divulging too much personal information online, was 2008’s Word of the Year.

 

So what does the computer geek lunch table look like today? Are its patrons still exiled, or are they consulted and venerated? Who are the true geeks now? Have they evolved into higher life forms? Have their once unattractive traits of computer literacy been absorbed and adapted into other cliques? The girls who once regarded the computer dorks as a separate species now argue over comments left on each other’s Facebook walls, send Twitter updates from their mobile phones, and giggle over online videos and web pages. The cute-but-distant musician with the soulful eyes is more likely to woo girls with the playlists on his iPod than with the massive tome of CDs he once kept hidden under his bed. The internet has gained recognition in almost every adolescent demographic as a treasure trove of pornography. And adults, too—parents, professors, bosses—can also be found on Facebook. They have photos of themselves at parties, or with their kids. They send status updates to let people know they’re watching The Colbert Report, or had great vacations in Mexico. The true, pure computer geek still roams free in the lands of elves, but he is no longer limited to text-based worlds; he can now interact with players from around the globe in graphic-rich fantasy worlds.

 

It’s hard to forget the expression on my Technology teacher’s face all those years ago when a classroom in Raleigh asked us how the weather was in upstate New York. I used to say that all I learned from that class was good posture, but the truth is that I hid my own excitement when we made first contact and our peers in North Carolina responded. (“One giant step for Man…”) The borders of the technology realm were clearly marked “NERD” to try and keep “my kind” (or, what I wanted “my kind” to be) out. Maybe I’m just old and tragically unhip, but these days, the lines that mark us “geek” and “mainstream” have blurred. Yet slowly we began to absorb this world—or this world absorbed us—and closeting my inner geek is a practice I’ve abandoned.

 

I’ll Take the “Pathetic” With a Side of Rice, Please December 28, 2008

Filed under: City Living, Food, Musings, Television, Things We Have Love/Hate Relationships With — Genevieve D. Markle @ 3:53 pm

I am proud to say that in some 100+ posts, not once have I committed the great girly cop-out of comparing a situation in my real life to a plot line from Sex and the City. I am about to break that record today, but I promise to never do it again. See, there was this episode in Season 3 in which Miranda was mortified to learn that the takeout girl at her favourite Chinese restaurant already knew her menu selection before Miranda could even place her order. She read much more into the incident than was necessary, turning some mild teasing about her food-ordering habits into cause for an existential crisis about her boringness, predictability, and singledom. She realized: I live alone with my cat; I don’t have a boyfriend; I order in so frequently that the employee knows my order by heart; hence, I am monotonous and pathetic.

 

A similar feeling hit me the other night when I stopped off at the souvlaki place near my apartment and the counterperson, Angie, recognized me. She looked past her customer to where I was standing in line and called out, “Hi! How are you tonight?”

 

It was horrifying. I thought, “How could I go somewhere frequently enough for an employee to actually recognize me?! This is unacceptable.” Having always prided myself on being somewhat detached and rarely doing the same thing twice, Angie’s acknowledgment of my familiar face hit me like a ton of bricks, causing me to go home and ruminate long and hard into my vegetarian pita and side of rice. Add this to the fact that I’ve been cat-sitting for the past four days, and I was suddenly feeling a lot like Miranda: single, predictable, and like a crazy cat lady.

 

But you know what I said to Angie once I realized that she knew me? I answered, “Fine, thanks. But you won’t be seeing me around much longer, eh? I’m moving to New York in a week.” Yes, typical me: throwing in a disclaimer to impede anyone from getting too attached because I know that I’m just going to leave them in the end. Suddenly this became not so much about the neighbourhood Greek restaurant and my frequency there, but rather about my tendency to stop, drop, and roll away from anything that even remotely resembles a relationship. Holy eureka; if I had a therapist I’d call her right away with this amazing new insight.

 

While I’m sure it’s nice to have a routine and to be a staple in your local scene, I don’t subscribe to the idea made famous in the theme song from Cheers about how “sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name.” The thought of being a “regular” anywhere terrifies me. I guess just prefer to maintain my enigmatic unpredictability—and to not get too attached to my takeout girls.

 

Go Fuck a Canuck December 27, 2008

Filed under: Culture & Society, Film, Musings, Sex — Genevieve D. Markle @ 12:52 pm

Kenya is known for its Olympic runners, Ireland for its beer, Italy for its pasta, and Canada for its—sex? Wait, what?

 

I just finished watching Young People Fucking, a Canadian film about—you guessed it—young people fucking, and I got to thinking about Canadian cinema and what it is communicating to the world about our culture. Films like Crash, Exotica, and Lie With Me are but a few examples of Canadian films made by award-winning, well-known directors that feature explicit sex and/or sexuality. This recurring theme in our cinema has even earned us a book title on the subject: Weird Sex and Snowshoes: And Other Canadian Film Phenomena. So, um, does this mean that we Canadians like to screw a lot or something? I don’t know, but we can always ask Peaches, our unofficial national sex crusader, she of the AA-size bra cup but XXX-rated mind.

 

I can speculate all I like, about how the weather up in this godforsaken country is so frigid that all we can do is have lots of sex to stay warm (which, in turn, might explain why me and so many of my Canadian brethren were born in September, nine months after the coldest month of the year), but I can’t write a very convincing blog entry without some cold, hard statistics. So here’s what I was able to find online vis-à-vis sex and Canadians: A 2006 Independent article based on a Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy study that discovered that Canadians have the best sex lives out of Americans, Australians, New Zealanders, and Brits (who offer this as good sex advice). I also found the conclusions of a 2005 international sex survey conducted by Durex (yes, the condom company, so maybe not the most reliable source) that claims that Canadians have sex 108 times a year, versus the global average of 103 times a year. This same survey also claims that we have more sexual partners and do it in more “crazy” places than the global average, while Durex’s 2008 results are even more astounding, especially when comparing us to our favourite love-to-hate-’em perpetual rivals, the Americans. (Sorry, guys, but we kicked your butt in the lovemaking department.)

 

Despite its deep-rooted Catholicism, Quebec is one sexy province. Apparently, after the Maritimers, Quebecers have the most sex. Could this be because of all the episodes of Bleu Nuit we stayed up late to watch as sexually-curious nine-year-olds? Was I predestined to be an insatiable maneater as a result of the province of my upbringing and the fact that I watched free softcore porn on late-night television when no one was looking? Shit.

 

I’d always considered the Latin Europeans as the masters of films about sex: Italy gave us Bertolucci, Spain gave us Sex and Lucia, and everybody knows that all the French do is drink wine and make love all day and then make movies about it. So where does freezing cold Canada fit into this equation? I’m not qualified enough to say, but what I can tell you is that while we may be freezing out in the streets, the one place we’re always warm is between the sheets. The country’s cold, but the sex is hot, baby.

 

So call me sometime. *wink*

 

Beauty and the Beast December 21, 2008

Filed under: Fashion, Health, Money, Musings, Shopping, Things We Have Love/Hate Relationships With — Marianne Perron @ 10:15 pm

OK. I’ll admit it. Despite being way too intelligent for this shit, I am a bona fide shopaholic. My trusty Wikipedia tells me that this condition is called Oniomania (naw, that’s not just code for onion-chowing lunatics), and “can have devastating consequences”. Thanks, Wiki.

 

If shopping is an addiction, my drug is something like cocaine – I can’t afford the really fine stuff, but I’m not smoking crack down at Zellers either. I’m hovering somewhere in between, in a world where $300 dollar handbags and Modern American Poetry (that’s a 300-level class at Concordia) see eye to eye.

 

When I was in University I used to pay about $280 for rent and roughly $300 per 3 credits. That’s how my MPT (maximum purchase total) came to be raised to 3-0-0, give or take $45 for tax. You see, anything that I wanted badly enough to pout over got compared to those torturous 200-level requisite courses, like Intro to Lit. Theory with Dr. D. O’Leary.

 

Now that I’ve graduated, and bring in the (slightly) bigger bucks, I can afford the $500 rent I pay for my well-situated, much too small, paper-thin walls. As a result, my MPT has risen accordingly. Because, hell, if my landlady deserves my hard-earned cash, then I deserve that Mackage.

 

So, what’s the point of this piece? To confess that I’m in trouble. Since working with my therapist to curb my other obsessions, shopping has come to play an increasingly bigger role in my so-called life. The result? A bank account that’s constantly on empty, and a wardrobe that is too fabulous to keep behind doors. This would all be fine if I was your average Betty, but truth be told, I suffer from enough conscience to know my behavior is sick, given the condition of our wilting planet. This leaves me feeling a lot like a rotten tooth – pretty on the outside, but oh so deteriorated inside.

 

And hence, my New Year’s resolution! Yes. To quit shopping cold turkey. Because really, how many pounds of silver does one little doe need? With you as my witnesses, I move forward into the year of thrift! Luckily, this won’t require any drastic purification rituals like clothes burning, or jewelry hawking. And I’ve got enough Nars hydrating moisture cream to last me through the winter. 

 

The Dumbest Girl in Online Publishing December 16, 2008

Filed under: Language, Musings — Genevieve D. Markle @ 3:03 pm

I spent the entire week packing up all my earthly possessions so that they could be placed in storage at my parents’ house while I go to New York (again) to try and hack it in the Big Apple as a Canadian with no working papers or university degree (again). Don’t even try to accuse me of not being up for a challenge.

 

Part of packing involves purging, so I’ve been throwing and giving stuff away like it’s going out of style. Recently-landed Montreal adoptee and newest Unhipster (who is actually a real hipster) Brooke D. just benefitted from being the same size as me, consequently receiving two garbage bags of clothing castoffs. My friend Brian, tape manipulator and musical collagist, was on the receiving all my old Sonic Youth cassettes up to Washing Machine, while blog co-editor Kimberly Senf will be getting the yoga mat my lazy ass could never get around to using, despite my best intentions.

 

All this to segue to my main point: In my purging, tucked away in the deepest cranny of my closet, was a Bankers Box® cleverly labelled “Randomness” in which I found the Third Canadian Edition of a 40-page style guide called English Simplified. The book teaches readers such English basics as “how to identify the verb” in a sentence and what the personal pronouns are. With the exception of a section on punctuation—which I still don’t really know all the rules for, and reading Eats, Shoots & Leaves didn’t help at all—I don’t know what native English speaker would ever require such a book.  Then I remembered, to much shame, how the book came to be mine in the first place.

 

It was on the required reading booklist of my first ever college-level English class in (OMG!) 1998. All new students at Dawson College were required to take a placement exam in order to determine what level of English they would be put in. The exam consisted of a composition, which should have been a breeze, but I, dear readers, was placed in what was called (unofficially) Bobo English.  My composition must of sucked so bad that they like thought i was dumb or something, or maybe that I was a french person. (Mistakes deliberate.) My self-confidence was shattered.

 

For a decade I wouldn’t write a thing, no matter how many of my zine-creating friends or website-managing boyfriends asked me to contribute something. Writing papers for school incited bona fide panic attacks, to the point where I dropped out of university with a mere 36 credits remaining towards my B.A. The fear of failing or sucking at, or even being criticized for, my writing was completely debilitating. And now here I am, Executive Editor at a pop culture website that people actually read and, dare I say, enjoy?!

 

Look, I never said I was good or that I knew what I was doing. But today I was reminded how I’ve come a long way—from Bobo English to this—and it feels pretty darn good. Thanks for reading, faithful Unhipsters, and if you could only see me now, Professor Hildebrand.

 

How It Came to Be That I Fell Off the Face of the Earth December 14, 2008

Filed under: City Living, Musings — Marianne Perron @ 12:38 pm

It’s winter. My front stairs are covered in a solid sheet of ice. Despite my job being all-consuming I have twenty dollars in my bank account, and for the first time in 5 (or is it 6?) years, I have a boyfriend. 

 

Excited to socialize and see all the friends I’ve been ignoring, I planned this weekend to be action-packed and busy buzzing. What ended up happening both Friday and Saturday nights is that I was fed dangerously caloric meals by the boyfriend and fell asleep on my couch at 10:00 or so, while he watched something terribly unfunny on TV. 

 

Yes, it’s December. Christmas time, and the holidays are one long chain of parties, shows, and yummy food-related social events. And yet, I’m about as likely to leave the house for any of this stuff as, well, my grandmother.

 

Animal Collective December 11, 2008

Filed under: City Living, Musings — Meagan Burbidge @ 12:28 pm

It’s no mystery that these are troubled times. Just open up a copy of Guns and Ammo or The Albuquerque Tribune and you will find its illustrious pages, once saturated with jubilant prose of economic promise, now sullied in financial obliteration. One may ask, “How can I ‘live the dream’ when I’m two blocks away from the breadlines?” This very question crossed my mind as I snacked on Coulommiers and fresh apricots. I spent hours in deep rumination, until visions of my destiny bolted into my psyche like a right hook from Christ: I would be the Chief Executive Officer of the Paramount Motion Picture Group.

 

I sprang into action, heading toward the County General emergency waiting room, to employ my lawyer-friend. That was until my Doberman/Affenpinscher, Orwell, interrupted me by regurgitating the Coulommiers and Milka bars I had tossed him. I shoved him into the arms of my mother’s doorman and was struck by an incapacitating thought: Who, on this Earth, would be qualified enough to take charge of Orwell while I dot the I’s and cross the T’s out in Hollywood?

 

I tried the Internet, despite the fact that I have never found anything useful on it outside of the E! Network site. I skeptically employed the assistance of my mother’s cheeky 7th grade neighbor, Billy, for a half pint of Seagram’s. I asked him to try and conjure some sort of government-censored set of codes in order to crack into IRS records of fauna custody programs. Billy looked annoyed, confirming my assumptions that this quest would warrant itself fruitless.

 

Evidentially, there exist numerous service and information sites for what is called “pet sitting”. The National Association of Professional Pet Sitters (NAPPS) offers pet owners an alternative to the hassle of dealing with the sights and smells of a kennel and the common people in it. The site recommended monitoring the habits of your pets and translating that information to their certified sitters. Some of these included eating and sleeping (Orwell’s favorite), as well as walking (?) and running (?!) schedules. The site reads: “Animals get to stay in their familiar environment, maintain their diet and exercise routine and are attended to by caring professionals.”

 

Unfortunately, “diet”; “exercise” and “caring” are all terms that are unfamiliar to Orwell. I had to tap into my creativity database (my brain) to think of an alternative to the NAPPS Alternative. Most of the pet sitting “dog” category was too liberal for Orwell. I couldn’t leave him to the devices of the runners and the walkers and the Prius drivers.

 

All Orwell liked to do was sit, so a sit-ter seemed appropriate. I decided to settle on a cat sitter because Orwell identifies more with cats: the sloth, the vindictiveness, the vomiting. He’s an individual and will not be swayed by the showoffy standard of “active” dogs. So off Billy went again, down the digital superhighway. Each cat sitter was worse than the next until I happened upon a snippet about a dreamer named Tammi Liston.

 

Tammi, like everyone, had spent her youth wanting to be a veterinarian until she realized that it’s gross, and committed to something easier, like a Certified Personal Accountant or a parent. According to a 2001 Yakima Herald article written by Paul Dunn, “Her love for animals, an obsession since childhood, is deeply rooted, but her love for blood is not. ‘When I was a little girl I wanted to grow and be a veterinarian,’ she says, ‘but I couldn’t be because I can’t stand to see animals in pain.’”

 

Now, here she is, eons later, doing what she does best: caring for animals, so long as they aren’t sick or missing limbs. That is precisely the kind of person I want looking after Orwell.